1. The cat couldn’t take her eyes off New Zealand/Netherlands this morning but she’s snoozing away now. Apparently she’s expended her emotional energy for soccer today.
2. We don’t care. We are USA all the way up in here. Don’t give me that look for yelling, cat, I FEED YOU!
3. Look at them go! And gooooooooaaaaalllllll – wait. Why isn’t it on the scoreboard? What the hell is VAR?
4. Offsides. Goal doesn’t count. Freak it all.
5. Never mind, power onward, WE ARE TEAM USA.
6. But wait, doesn’t that mean they got a free kick from midfield instead of where the offsides was called? Like, how’s that fair?
7. I know, I know – the fair comes in October.
8. It’s like watching a dance on the field.
9. Did any of you see Glennon Doyle’s soccer primer? omg, you guys, this is too funny. For real. Twitter’s clip is good but click over to the Insta version. I know it’s ten minutes but trust me, you won’t regret it.
10. GLENNON WAS RIGHT! Offsides = “even after alllllll that…no goal. No goal.”
11. omg, that goal was beautiful. Perfect cross, perfect header, PERFECT.
12. And look, that one counted.
13. And there’s another one! Perfect touch!!
14. These women Do Not Play, people. It’s not a fluffy field out there. Nope.
15. WHAT? How is that not a freaking FOUL? The defender grabbed her arm and yanked her backward OFF HER FEET.
16. So okay, they’re going to review it, they’ll see it, they’ll catch it because DAMN –
17. WHAT? How is that not a foul? YOU’RE IN THE ROOM WITH THE CAMERAS.
18. Okay, breathing through. Moving on. There’s passing and scoring and all the soccer things.
19. Well, looks like they finally decided to call a penalty for all that crap near the box. And the academy award goes to the player who’s mastered the “who, ME? I didn’t do anything, she fell down on her own, that wasn’t me hooking her with my foot” look.
20. Bonus points for the aggrieved-player-strut away from the call.
21. They’re setting up the kick. Two players, one to tap to the other, that thing’s right outside the box, no way it’s not going in.
22. HOLY HELL, that’s not at ALL what they did. She fired it toward the other players in the box, pinged twice in there, and another girl NAILED IT. Goooooooaaaaallllllll.
23. It occurs to me some of you might not give a single flip about soccer, World Cup or not. My apologies. Maybe get a pudding cup? That always makes things better.
24. Which reminds me. Finally got BrightSide to try my grits this week and now he understands how I can eat my weight in these things. Mmmm, creamy buttery goodness.
25. Halftime. A perfect opportunity for random commentary.
26. I find myself saying entirely inappropriate things to the tv in front of my own daughter. Things like “SCREW OFF, Thailand. I was feeling a little bad about how we’re kicking your butt but your players play dirtier than hell so ALL BETS ARE OFF.” I’m not proud. I’m not wrong, either, but that’s for another day.
27. Phoebe’s not a fan of the yelling. Really should have given her some of that CBD oil earlier.
28. These corner kicks are in-sane. You really gotta earn that touch if you want to score. So. Many. Defenders.
29. Second half. GO USA!!!
30. Holy cow, these women are so freaking good. What the what.
31. Did you just grab her around the waist and try to throw her to the ground? DID YOU?? Somebody hold my beer.
32. I’m not learning much about the U.S. goalie in this one.
33. omg, I haven’t even typed anything for like ten minutes. I’m just staring in shock at the screen. The U.S. scored four goals in, I don’t know, maybe six minutes? It’s CRAZY.
34. I’d feel bad but again, play dirty, get what you deserve.
35. 67 minutes in (or 67′ if we’re gonna be European about it) and this team is kicking butt and taking names. BOOM.
36. Just realized I’ll be traveling during a number of the upcoming games. I suddenly understand how BrightSide feels every time we leave town during March Madness.
37. And there’s another yellow card. Thailand! Collect your players! This is not how we behave.
38. HOLY COW, THAT’S EIGHT. Eight goals! This game is 8-0 with another fifteen minutes to go! No words.
39. No words is probably a bad place for a writer to be. We’re supposed to have the – NINE! NINE! NINE!
40. And then ten. TEN.
41. Now eleven! I feel like this is some weird Dr. Seuss counting book.
42. They like to shoot the goals, they do. Perhaps they’ll get to twenty-two!
43. Holy crap, there’s twelve! Michelle Akers with five freaking goals. I don’t even know what to say about her, I mean, DAMN.
44. Where are the Thailand defenders?? Where are they?? How do our players keep going one on one against this poor Thailand goalie?? She has not pushed or tripped any of our players, I have nothing against her, and they are abandoning her back there.
45. Whistle blown and DAMN, U.S. takes the win with 13-0.
46. Fun fact: there’s no mercy rule in the World Cup. You need as many goals as possible because the goal differential breaks a tie in the first round.
47. Who’s the guy in post game talking about those women really shouldn’t have beat them that bad. What? Do you understand how the World Cup works? Shush now.
48. Let’s hear more from those ladies at the table who’ve, you know, played in this thing.
49. Dammit, after all these years I think the sports enthusiasm thing might’ve rubbed off on me.
50. U.S. Women’s soccer is da bomb.