Disclaimer: I like girls. I have a girl. Shoot, I am a girl. But there are some truths about girls living en masse that make even the staunchest X chromosome fan blanch. Might as well have little fun with it.


1.  An open bag of marshmallows and Hershey’s bars on the common room floor leave me two choices: go to bed wondering what furry critter will scamper across me with sticky paws or sound like a control freak as I shriek for someone to collect their trash.

2.  They never actually get full, they just execute an endless rotation through the kitchen for snacks, leaving a legion of crumbs in their wake.

3.  Cheez-Its scattered across the carpet isn’t an unusual sight.

4.  I get that there’s a horde of middle school girls here and middle school girls mean hair tools, but at some point this has to be considered a fire hazard. Time to locate the closest fire extinguishers.

5.  I sit on the couch – crinkle. Move to the left – crinkle. Move back – crinkle crinkle. Because of course there are crumpled Doritos bags shoved in between the couch cushions.

6.  Nothing makes me want to holler Were you raised in a BARN? more than this front door. Are you the last one in? Close it. Are you the last one out? CLOSE IT. To make this simple let’s just say if there isn’t someone within four feet of you then close the freaking door.

7.  Um, what’s this giant wet spot on the carpet? Anybody know what this is? Anybody??

8.  The sight of all those girls lying around gabbing about life and making bracelets is adorable. The sight of all those teeny tiny beads scattered all over the blessed place? Not so much.

9.  So you mean you don’t have shaving cream on random surfaces throughout your home? No? Huh.

10.  No. Hot. Water.