1. As best I can tell, there is literally no way to travel by plane these days that doesn’t involve kiosks. I can handle the stress (okay, I can mostly handle the stress) but putting these little old ladies through a computer obstacle course seems cruel and unusual. Perhaps they’d consider a Technology Challenged Lane with oh, I don’t know…actual human beings to check you in.
2. If you’ve left pets behind there’s approximately a 215% chance you’ll see at least five dogs in the airport.
3. Connecting flights are like a bad math problem. “After deplaning, Kim will have 80 minutes to make her connection. If it takes 15 minutes to change terminals, 8 minutes to locate her new gate, and 21 minutes to find a women’s bathroom with no line out the door, how long does Kim have to find food she can buy without taking out a loan? How long will she have if her first flight is held captive on the tarmac for 20 minutes before deplaning?”
4. Airport announcements should be a foreign language course in high schools everywhere. “We’ll begin boarding momentarily for flight #67blublu heading to Hooson. Please be prepared to show – one moment, please – “ [Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!] “a picturally wicher bordeding passert – “ [Bam! Bam! Bam!] “for the gauge at [unintelligible garble]…”
5. You’ve successfully passed through security. Congratulations. Water costs nine dollars now.
6. There seems to be an airport religion whose primary tenet rests on Thou shalt gather around the gate 45 minutes prior to boarding, crowding together, spilling out into the main walkway, and the favored ones shalt be called first.
7. Principles of a civil society are abandoned. People sleep sprawled across entire rows of chairs. Kids blast insipid games at 7:30am. A single person occupies one of four charging stations at the gate with her phone, laptop, headphones, and backup charger. It’s like Surviver out here, man.
8. I’m all for principles of a civil society, but if you muscle your way between me and my kid during boarding I will cut you.
9. Sure, you can rest on the moving sidewalk but say it with me, people: Stand to the right. Walk on the left. Stand to the right so people can walk by you on the left. This isn’t rocket science.
10. I, too, believe in comfort is king. Full stop. But if I can see 80% of your bra then you for real do not have enough clothing on for anything other than your home or the gym. Maybe. Depending on their dress code. But definitely not the airport.
Bonus: Unless your hair is on fire or you have a connecting flight that leaves in 30 minutes, WAIT YOUR TURN to deplane. I’ve got enough to worry about without jockeying for aisle space with the guy from 32C. And it would be a real shame if this carry-on in the overhead compartment shifted during flight enough to land right on your head.