1. As best I can tell, there is literally no way to travel by plane these days that doesn’t involve kiosks. I can handle the stress (okay, I can mostly handle the stress) but putting these little old ladies through a computer obstacle course seems cruel and unusual. Perhaps they’d consider a Technology Challenged Lane with oh, I don’t know…actual human beings to check you in.
2. If you’ve left pets behind there’s approximately a 215% chance you’ll see at least five dogs in the airport.
3. Connecting flights are like a bad math problem. “After deplaning, Kim will have 80 minutes to make her connection. If it takes 15 minutes to change terminals, 8 minutes to locate her new gate, and 21 minutes to find a women’s bathroom with no line out the door, how long does Kim have to find food she can buy without taking out a loan? How long will she have if her first flight is held captive on the tarmac for 20 minutes before deplaning?”
4. Airport announcements should be a foreign language course in high schools everywhere. “We’ll begin boarding momentarily for flight #67blublu heading to Hooson. Please be prepared to show – one moment, please – “ [Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!] “a picturally wicher bordeding passert – “ [Bam! Bam! Bam!] “for the gauge at [unintelligible garble]…”
5. You’ve successfully passed through security. Congratulations. Water costs nine dollars now.
6. There seems to be an airport religion whose primary tenet rests on Thou shalt gather around the gate 45 minutes prior to boarding, crowding together, spilling out into the main walkway, and the favored ones shalt be called first.
7. Principles of a civil society are abandoned. People sleep sprawled across entire rows of chairs. Kids blast insipid games at 7:30am. A single person occupies one of four charging stations at the gate with her phone, laptop, headphones, and backup charger. It’s like Surviver out here, man.
8. I’m all for principles of a civil society, but if you muscle your way between me and my kid during boarding I will cut you.
9. Sure, you can rest on the moving sidewalk but say it with me, people: Stand to the right. Walk on the left. Stand to the right so people can walk by you on the left. This isn’t rocket science.
10. I, too, believe in comfort is king. Full stop. But if I can see 80% of your bra then you for real do not have enough clothing on for anything other than your home or the gym. Maybe. Depending on their dress code. But definitely not the airport.
Bonus: Unless your hair is on fire or you have a connecting flight that leaves in 30 minutes, WAIT YOUR TURN to deplane. I’ve got enough to worry about without jockeying for aisle space with the guy from 32C. And it would be a real shame if this carry-on in the overhead compartment shifted during flight enough to land right on your head.
“Congratulations. Water costs nine dollars now.” LOL
I haven’t flown in 20 years and three months. No idea. Rather intimidated now, but it’s inevitable. Maybe you should go with me. Pro.
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Oh yeah, I got your back. Pro tip #1: If you stick a banana in your bag for later then enter, say, Mexico their drug sniffing dog will find it. Cuz I guess that dog looks for fruits and veggies, too. 😆
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Haha!
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This is brilliant. Just got air travel summed up perfectly. Basically it’s been devised by the Spanish Inquisition.
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Now THERE’S an apt comparison. Strip searched on the way in, bread and water if you’re lucky, sardined into a overheated or freezing cold space with a hundred other humans…good times. 😆
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Air travel really is the worst – you hit the nail on the head with every one of these items! Every time my husband and I fly anywhere, we decide right then and there that the next vacation will be a road trip.
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The airports are distressing and planes aren’t much better seeing as we don’t fly first class plus I’ve gotten a bit squirrelly about turbulence (and omg, don’t get me started on AIRPLANE BATHROOMS) — the thing that keeps me coming back is we like to see places I can’t freaking drive to! It’s a means-to-an-end, keep-my-eye-on-the-prize sort of thing.
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You’ve listed every single reason I have for never ever flying anywhere. You were spared (thankfully) the TSA Agents from Hell (apparently), but perhaps those people are reserved for folks like me – wheelchair ensconced and lame and halt. There is NO reason whatsoever (except in the sadist’s guide to good workplace behavior for TSA Agents) to do a full body scan and make me stand the %$@# UP when that is painful and extremely dangerous (I really might fall over if you make me stand there for an extended period of time). Yes, the alarms are going to go off. I told you about my artificial (metal dammit) hips and replaced (metal) knee. No I do not have WMDs on my person and nobody intimidated me into carrying some for them…. Aw. All that’s really needed is a little common sense and some manners. Those would go a really long way in making air travel a whole lot more appealing! 🙂
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We hit a bit of TSA turbulence but I just couldn’t find a way to make witty lightheartedness out of it. Not this morning, anyway. I’m sorry to hear what a horrible experience you’ve had — that sounds excessive. I mean, I get having to wand scan because wheelchairs and such, but if you’ve disclosed the hip and knee replacement and are cooperative? What happens if you tell them you’re *unable* to stand? I mean, paralyzed people can’t stand so surely there’s a procedure in place.
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🙂 Hehehe, this sounds soooo familiar!
Happy holidays! 🙂
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Tis the summer months when vacation runs HOT. Hope you’re enjoying a holiday yourself!
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haha \ All of that!
and what is with them making you change which gate you leave from? We had to do that several times in one airport visit DFW. “Flight xxx will now be leaving at gate xxx” and a few minutes later they change it to a different one clear across the great beyond!
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Right?!? I swear, I only fly in sports bras now – you never know when you’ll have to hightail it to the next terminal!
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You can’t unsee what you see at the airport.
Your #1 item is scary. I was in a small airport where I had to use a kiosk to check my bag. An older woman across the way was having trouble and, after receiving an offer for help, gave her credit card to a young man so he could help her. It was in Iowa, I’m guessing the young man was honest, but the kiosks are before TSA, so it could be anyone.
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True! Now they won’t even let you get in line (checked bag or not) before you hit the kiosk. I kinda feel like it’s the same as a grocery store forcing you to do the self checkout line. Ugh.
That lady was lucky indeed. Dealing with a stolen credit card as she was trying to leave town would have been a mess.
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Im old enough to remember when flying was an adventure of a happy kind. Yeah, back in the “good old days”.
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My son summed it up best yesterday – something about vacation is wonderful but travel day is stressful. I have to keep my eye on the big picture. 😉
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Haha, Laura, this is brilliant. You have described airplane travel and the airport to a tee.
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Many thanks. It’s a unique experience, I’ll give them that! 😆
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