1. Can you even say you’re hydrating if you haven’t finished a travel mug of coffee and sixteen ounces of water by 10:00am?
2. Me, to kid #1 on Friday evening: Guess what, kiddo, we’re going to dinner. Kid #1: Aw, mom, can’t we just get takeout? Me: Nope, we’re going out. To an actual restaurant. With tables. Where I can look you right in your eyes and talk about, you know, life and stuff. Because I like you. Suck it up.
3. Can somebody please tell me why people get so pissy on twitter? Some yoga owner is trying to tear me a new one because she disagrees with my comment on a video. Lawd almighty.
4. Speaking of yoga: yes, I wore yoga pants to youth group. Yes, I realize that makes me a walking, talking caricature of white, middle aged women. But they’re super comfy and I’d do it again.
5. Sure, your friends can come over. Sure, we can get pizza. Sure, they can stay late. But if you think I’m cleaning up a dozen glasses scattered across the counter you’ve got another think coming.
6. Wait, what? You didn’t eat breakfast? Well, yeah, of course you’re starving then. You’ll make it. Just a thought: maybe you’ll remember to eat breakfast next time.
7. It’s entirely possible I’m going to wear my birks year round. I love these sandals more than a king-sized Snickers® bar when my blood sugar’s crashing.
8. And I love a Snickers® bar like it’s a long lost sailor returning from sea.
9. Heated social media debates notwithstanding, no candy corn shall darken the doorstep of this household. So sayeth the keeper of the sugar purse strings.
10. Y’all. These paw prints up and down my carpet are the last straw. We have for real got to wipe down the dogs’ paws every single time they come back in the house. Seriously, guys, my sanity depends on this.