“I have already provided a tutorial on How to Make a Sammich Like a Bitch, so I’ve decided not a how-to-cook post. In fact, given the defensive, combative comments some readers leave, it’s likely best I don’t tell you how to do things I do exceptionally well. I’m a big picture person. I care about results, not processes. It would be infinitely more joyful and much more fun to tell you how to do something I’m bad it, so you can either feel superior or commiserate.”
“I was recently minding my own business (for a change), walking down the hall while mentally humming “Staying Alive” (because that’s the only way to strut and make it look natural), when I was accosted by someone who said those words everybody dreads:
“Oh my god, you have to see this video. It’s so crazy!”
Then they made me watch a five minute long video of their cousin’s wedding reception where nothing – and I mean absolutely nothing – of interest happened. I could feel my ankles swelling, that’s how long I was standing there.”
“Friendship is a tricky business. First, you have to meet people. That usually involves leaving the house, which is complete and utter nonsense.
Sure, you can meet friends online, but is @toosexyformyshirtXXX going to be able to come over and drink mimosas with you when you need to shit talk on a random Thursday morning if they live in Saskatchewan?
I mean, I guess they could if you live in Saskatchewan. But you don’t live in Saskatchewan. No one lives in Saskatchewan except for @toosexyformyshirtXXX and their mother, whose basement they are currently living in rent free.
Then, after you leave the house you have to MEET PEOPLE, which is horrifying and terrifying and goes against everything I believe in. But you have to do it, otherwise you end up living in your mother’s basement in Saskatchewan.”
“When I hear this little girl telling the story that when her parents adopted her, that the first time she saw her adoptive mother, her heart “fell in love” with her I wonder if she could REALLY remember if that was what went through her little mind? It’s more likely she was scared, confused, even heartbroken for all that she had lost. I have no doubt this sweet child loves her adoptive family, but what if her fairytale version of the story changes down the road 10-15-20 years from now, and this time she’s wrestling with all of the hard emotions and questions of adoption. Will she still be considered adorable?”
“[S]o many young people seem to base salary negotiations around their personal budget. I spent my
morning poop daily ablutions contemplating why this would be. Why is this the method young people turn to for negotiating a salary?
The answer is actually pretty obvious. We’re doing it correctly! Correctly, if you assume it’s a math word problem.
And it must be, right? There are numbers involved! Young people don’t know how much employers are willing to pay them—but they do know how much money they need for rent and groceries. So we do what we’ve been taught to do: work backwards to solve for x, where x equals the amount of money you need to Eat Food and Not Die™.”