My social media posts should come with warning labels these days. I mean, you guys get me. You understand I roll in with a base level of quirky snarkibility that either endears me to your equally quirky heart or makes you shake your head and roll right on. Either way, you’re partly amused or partly confused or partly dancing the mamba.
What you’re not doing is getting concerned that I’ve been Grinchified.
Maybe it’s in the delivery. If we’re talking in person then you’ve got inflection and facial cues and all that jazz, but over a screen? All you’ve got is text and the voice in your own head which quite frankly has about a 1 in a million chance of exactly matching the voice in my head so that’s a zero sum game right there.
All’s cool on the homefront, yo. So with no further ado, let’s have a little post holiday fun.
‘Twas the night after Christmas when all through the house
All the critters were stirring with tumbles and shouts.
The stockings lay empty, piled under a cat,
While Gracie stole cookies at the drop of a hat.
Teens sprawled across couches, they lounged in their beds,
While wish lists for gift cards danced through their heads.
Mama sat in her PJs and warm fuzzy socks,
Curled up with a book as it neared ten o’clock,
When from back in the kitchen we heard such a racket
I leapt up from the couch and threw down my blanket.
Down a long, narrow hallway I rushed with a shout,
Tore ’round the corner and hollered GET OUT!
Gracie turned to me, guilty, snout covered in crumbs
As I grabbed at her collar with my fingers and thumbs.
I stared quite aghast at the scene all around –
A floor littered with scraps, counters turned upside down.
The golden whose big dopey grin dribbled drool
Down her soft furry front and onto my shoe
Stood eagerly panting with tail thumping madly,
As I surveyed the room to count up the tally.
One Ziploc, two biscuits, a plate, paper towels,
The gas bill, my glasses, and three water bottles.
No remorse did I see, not a trace of regret
As I swatted her furry butt with a thinly veiled threat,
Tucked her into her kennel and locked it up tight
In the hopes I could finally find peace that night.
With an exasperated sigh I wiped up the bread
As I thought to myself I just want my bed!
Climbing under the covers at long last I paused
To stifle my punchy, bone weary guffaw.
That’s one day down, 364 more to go,
Time to start saving up for next year’s tinsel toes.