1.  I hate football, and not in that “yeah, I hate rainy days” way. It’s more like a “yeah, I hate dog fights and boxing matches and World War II with a fiery passion” sort of thing.

2.  The only thing worse than watching football is having to pretend to enjoy watching football.

3.  TOUCHDOWN!!! There. That’s the football term I’m 100% sure of. The rest is pretty much gobbley gook.

4.  I have absolutely zero interest in the outcome. Literally, z-e-r-o interest, every single year. Other people are painting their faces and chests, buying up team garb and placing bets, and I’m all eh.

5.  Why does everything take so long? A timeout here, a timeout there, we’ll never even make it to halftime at this rate.

6.  Speaking of halftime, why does the game have to start so dang late? Didn’t this thing used to get played in the afternoon? Why am I expected to stay up late on a school/work night torturing myself with this godforsaken sport?

7.  On top of that the halftime show is a whole thing. Some people love it, some people hate it, sometimes there’s unexpected nudity and then that’s a whole other thing. I’ll take my musical acts with slightly less spectacle, thanks.

8.  Life is short and I can think of a dozen movies I’d rather spend that time on.

9.  I can’t eat any of the food at these parties anymore and the food was the best part, dammit.

10.  Everybody says but what about the commercials? Don’t you tune in just for those? And okay, I’ll give you the commercials, those are pretty good. But are they worth the three hours of torturous football watching? Nope, I’ll pass.