Fortune cookies used to be 80% of the fun in a restaurant. Delicious food, delightful company, all good things over the course of dinner finishing up with that classic dessert fun where everyone cracks open their cookies and reads aloud those words of wisdom. Because we’re crass Americans we’d typically add on our own phrase for kicks and giggles.

You shall receive a wealth of riches…in bed.

A beautiful, smart, and loving person will be coming into your life…in bed.

A lifetime of happiness lies ahead of you…in bed.

Now is the time to try something new…in bed.

I didn’t say it was creative, just typical. So typical for so many years I can’t seem to read a fortune now without adding the tagline in my head. Ack!

Anyway, for the last decade or so I’ve noticed a decline in fortunes. Not the cookies themselves – those are still crunchy sweet deliciousness and worth the gamble even now in my post-gluten days. But the fortunes? Those have gotten sort of…meh.

“A smile is your passport.”

“People are naturally attracted to you.”

“Your shoes will make you happy today.”

“A good way to keep healthy is to eat more Chinese food.”


It’s not like I’m looking for spiritual guidance from a cookie but these sound like they were written by someone halfway out the door to happy hour on a Friday night. Sure, it’s probably challenging to come up with profound fortunes after two centuries have gone before you, but surely we can do better than shoes. Shoes, for pete’s sake!

We’ll file this one under fortune cookie wisdom writing 101.