1. Our lives basically revolve around streaming internet now. The kids do the whole education thing through their laptops and household entertainment (aka Amazon, Hulu, and Netflix) comes via Spectrum, too. Even our cable channels are a streaming internet package that brings us CNN and basketball games (you know, back when there used to be live basketball games). So school, movies, tv shows, news, sports…
2. Let’s just say that sh*t hits the fan when the internet goes down.
3. In a perfect world this would never happen. I’ve never lived in a perfect world, though, and don’t figure that’ll start anytime soon so I handle my business.
4. I’ve been around the block a few times so I know where to start. Reboot the router/modem. Always reboot the router/modem. Step number one is forever gonna be reboot the router/modem.
5. So when the internet went down yesterday the first thing I did was – you guessed it – reboot the hardware. Unplug from the power source, count to thirty, plug back in and…nothing. Still down.
6. Time to call it in. Except Spectrum’s extremely helpful automated system states it’ll “walk you through the steps to reboot your router” when what I really need is “press 4 if you’ve already rebooted your router and still got nothing.” Time to hang up and call back because I WOULDN’T BE CALLING YOU IF I HADN’T ALREADY REBOOTED THE ROUTER AND GOT NOWHERE, DAMMIT.
7. Cue a call that requires no less than five wildly patient “representative” responses into the voice system. “In a few words, tell us what you’re calling about.” “Representative.” “Have you called regarding this issue before?” “Representative.” Just give me a human being, for Pete’s sake.
8. Enter Steve The Spectrum Customer Service Representative whose first directive was, I kid you not, that I reboot my router. Even though I told him I already had. Because “sometimes it just takes a random number of reboots…before it takes…and it just somehow…works.” I didn’t want him to hurt himself trying to explain this nonsense so whatever, I unplugged the stupid router. Not surprisingly it didn’t help and Steve starts talking about scheduling a tech visit at our home.
9. When I suggested that perhaps there might be an outage – which in all seriousness was all I’d called to report – there was some hedging. Maybe it was my setup. Had I moved my modem? It was showing as unreachable. Was I sure I unplugged it correctly? (Yes. He really asked. I deserve bonus points for not losing it at that one.)
10. And then, as if the skies opened to reveal a brand new day, Steve exclaimed, “What?! I’ve never seen anything like this!” That’s right, Steve are-you-sure-you-unplugged-it-right Spectrum Guy spotted an enormous stretch of houses without internet that had not been identified as an outage yet. I somehow managed to squeak by without hollering AND THAT’S WHY I’M CALLING, STEVE, CAN WE JUST WRAP THIS UP? Tech, man.