1. Listen. I get it. We’re all in the same boat here with school starting back and most of our kids needing clothes to, y’know, leave the house and such. It’s not like I expected empty stores, especially on a weekend.
2. But BLESS IT ALL if humanity didn’t test the limits of my patience. I agree with Glennon Doyle: “I am a sensitive introverted woman, which means that I love humanity but actual human beings are tricky for me. I love people but not in person.” This. All of this.
3. First of all, I know it’s been a hot minute but can we please dig down deep and remember our parking lot skills? Drive slowly, watch for cars backing out, walk next to the cars not down the middle of the freaking asphalt, cross streets in a direct line instead of ambling slowly on a diagonal, and a little kindness when it comes to letting people merge won’t freaking kill you.
5. Also, we’re still dealing with a pandemic. Yes, I know, “still” is beyond tiresome but don’t yell at me. I didn’t create reality, I’m just living in it and frankly, dear, so are you.
6. So while I get we’re both hustling through The Maxx in search of dress code appropriate tops we’ve got to straighten something out. I’m not gonna get on you about the signs stating you’re expected to wear a mask inside the store (although I cannot understand how this is still an issue). I simply do not have the energy to engage you in conversation about a stupid piece of material.
7. That being said, I’m gonna need you to BACK THE FUCK OFF. I promise I’m not parking here permanently; I don’t want to live and die in this TJ Maxx. I’ll move on just as soon as I whip through these hangers but I will not have your unmasked face breathing on me as you reach in front of my arms to look at shirts.
8. You wouldn’t believe the look that woman gave me when I turned, put my hand up, and told her I’m going to need you to take a few steps back. Even pre-pandemic this would have been a huge invasion of personal space but now? Now I’m 100% gonna throw down with you and your germs if I have to.
9. She just eyeballed me for a good long moment waiting for…well, I really don’t know what she was waiting for. For me to say oh never mind? To go back to looking through tops? Whatever it was she ended up disappointed because that’s right, lady, I will go eyeball to eyeball until you get that I LITERALLY MEANT take those steps back from me and my daughter right this minute.
10. I’d like to say at least covid is helping me develop my assertiveness. I’d like to say that, but mostly I’m thinking that people are exhausting in person.