1. Pillowy socks that automatically repel pet hair.
2. Cushy boy socks that automatically repel stink.
3. A drawer that prevents produce from rotting into a slimy, disgusting mess.
4. A mattress/comforter maintaining a 68 degree sleep area inside a 72 degree bedroom so I don’t freeze when I get up to pee.
5. An in home supply station stocked with pretzels, peanuts, Swedish fish, SmartFood, and cheese cubes.
6. A phantom chef who batch cooks overnight so my fridge is stocked with gluten free lunch foods.
7. An all-in-one dog grooming brush and vacuum.
8. A magical teflon coating protecting all our clothes from random food stains.
9. A mug that combines ingredients to my preferences so when someone offers to get me coffee I can say yes.
10. Solid, restful sleep 365 days a year.
11. A Roomba to supplement our regular vacuum. (Any pet owners have luck with this?)
12. An automated towel folder. Bonus points if it stores them, too.
13. A computerized staple system: open the last bottle of ketchup/laundry detergent/garlic chili sauce/sesame oil/body wash and the system automatically drops one in your shopping cart.
14. Wood, except without any splinters. Ever.
15. Neighborhood Watch for people who don’t want anti-mask/anti-vaccine violence showing up on our doorsteps.
16. Like a hand dryer except instead of air it blows a gentle POOF of translucent powder at your face. Can you say powder base in half a second?
17. Toilet paper storage chutes that deliver directly under the floorboards of each bathroom.
18. A shower caddy actually designed for the extraordinary number of bath and beauty products used by the average female.
19. A showerproof magnifying glass for teeny tiny print in non-glasses environments.
20. Speaking of, the person who creates contacts that don’t have to be placed on eyeballs could be a millionaire. Just saying.
21. Truly untrackable cream colored carpet.
22. A built in car refrigeration system for grocery runs during the summer southern months.
23. Like a Forever Stamp, but for the battery in your car’s key fob and garage door opener.
24. Pillows that automatically fluff themselves after each use.
25. And that Teflon for pillows, but to keep the endless supply of dog and cat hair from wedging its way into the threads.
26. An extra three hours in the day after everyone else has gone to bed. **
** Without altering item #10.
27. The instantaneous disappearance of all high heels from the face of the earth with a corresponding acceptance of flats for business attire.
28. An acceptance of individual birthday cakes as the norm forevermore.
29. The benefit of consistently nonstick pans without the risk of teflon toxicity.
30. Flipping a breaded fish filet without a) leaving part of the breading stuck to the pan, or b) splashing butter/oil everywhere in the process.
31. That FedEx will pick up the package they left here “by mistake” four days ago. After two calls to FedEx and one call to the company that shipped it I’m about ready to contact G. Jeffkin in Massachusetts to alert him some crazy lady in North Carolina is doing her darnedest to get his package back on the road to him BUT NOBODY WILL HELP.
32. I have serious doubts about how “mistaken” that driver was but we’ll set that aside for now.
33. Hot chocolate dispensers that make something better tasting than chocolatey(ish) water.
34. That the freaking 7-Eleven under construction twenty minutes from our house for a dang YEAR would finish already because Slurpees…mmm…
35. That Netflix develops an active heartbeat sensor to avoid any more of those awkward “Are you still watching…” moments. Yes, I am. Do I know it’s been four hours? YES, YES I DO, NETFLIX STOP JUDGING ME.
36. Continued acceptance of televisits as a normalized way to provide some medical services.
37. Free food to anyone unable to feed themselves or their families.
38. Affordable (yes, sometimes that means free) healthcare for everyone. A healthy citizenry is a happy citizenry.
39. Criminal charges and sentencing that reflect actual consequences for people proven guilty of participating in the January 6th insurrection.
40. And an under-eye concealer that, y’know, actually conceals.