Hello. It’s been awhile. I don’t even know where to begin. I suppose this would be the place where I’d ask how you are, but the harsh truth is I no longer care. Saying that does not make my chest swell with pride. It shocks me that I’ve grown so cold, but the years have been harsh. I’ve had to grow a thicker skin.
I miss you. Well, I miss the person you were. I miss the friendship we had before it turned sour. I miss the dreams we had. I miss the dreams you had before they got replaced with internet lies. Do you miss you? That’s something I’ve long wondered.”
“I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: I do not fuck with nature. Every time I think of all the ways nature can kill you that have been documented, some new random website pops up on Facebook from some questionable site—but it has pictures—so I go down another rabbit hole of things that shouldn’t exist in nature, but since that other thing that shouldn’t exist does, I have to believe this thing that looks like a dinosaur in 2021 is also real.
But you know what’s always been real that I’ve never been that keen on? Spiders. I realize spiders are super useful for something or other and that if you get bit by the right one you can have an entire movie franchise. But most of the time when I see a spider, it just looks like it wants to eat me. Such brings me to my latest encounter with an eight-legged attempted murderer.”
“There are bad birthday presents and then there are BAD birthday presents. And then there are the birthday presents that leave you scratching your head and wondering “what in the hell were they thinking?” The answer? They probably weren’t. However they came to be, these toys are out there lurking in darkest corners of the internet just waiting to destroy some poor child’s emotional stability and, perhaps, the very fabric of society itself. So please avoid these legendarily awful presents when planning your kid’s next birthday party…unless of course you really, really, really don’t like your child.”
“Yesterday I posted on Instagram about getting my COVID-19 vaccine booster and there were so many questions. Can you mix and match? Who should get boosted? Do you need to be a triple threat, or is double plenty awesome? So I thought it worthy of a post.
I am happy to say the FDA is embracing the plaids plus polka dots approach! I love mixing prints, I need to do it more often. There is no clashing, just enhancing. Just like the vaccines!”
“So this week was hard mentally for no particular reason other than my brain is an asshole. Yesterday I felt incredibly low and my shrink was like, “Go get a ketamine booster right now” so the clinic fit me in late last night, which was really nice, but then I had a full-blown panic attack complete with projectile vomiting in the middle of a psychedelic trip where I was pretty sure I was stuck forever in another plane of existence, so basically I paid hundreds of dollars for the privilege of throwing up while off my tits on a bad drug trip.
And I will do it again and consider myself lucky.”