Category Archives: humor

come in open minded, leave fair food satisfied

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On the last State Fair weekend in North Carolina (marking yet another year of slacker parenting by not taking our kids for this experience), I thought it would be perfect timing to share Nick’s musings on Fair food debates.  Enjoy. 

Among the issues discussed:

3. Which type of food on a stick? – They have put every type of food except soup on a stick at the fair, and they’ll probably do that sometime soon, too.  It’s great fun to walk around and carry food on a stick, and you can even put the stick in your pocket or behind your ear to hold your food if you need.”

Top Five Fair Food Debates – nickclaussen.com

my bathroom swallowed the checkbook and other adventures in home ownership

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For those of you following the saga, our bathroom is still technically nonexistent.  Sharing a bathroom with T-man has gone relatively smoothly and, frankly, it’s far neater in there than the other option available so I’ll take it and count my blessings.  Still – and it’s not an insignificant “still” – juggling shower time with a 13-year-old (and BrightSide, too, ‘cuz fun times) is a delicate dance.

To say I’m looking forward to the day when I have both my own commode and shower is an understatement akin to “Gee, this water coming out of my kitchen faucet sure is handy.”

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just remember, it’s a real person in there

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Certain things in life carry long term consequences.  Defrauding the government.  Murdering your ex-wife.  Maxing out then defaulting on six credit cards.

When it comes to kids, though, they’d argue that the name you hang around their neck affects them for life.  No pressure but, you know…tread gently.

“So without further a-doo-doo, here are a few baby names that maybe you shouldn’t name your newborn:

NEVAEH

When your baby won’t sleep more than 16 minutes straight and she’s sinking her piranha jaws into your calloused nips and you feel like you’ve entered a hell you never knew existed, suddenly it might dawn on you that naming your newborn “heaven” spelled backward was the opposite of brilliant.  Here’s an idea, maybe you should have named her lleh.”

A few baby names you probably shouldn’t choose, just sayin’ : Baby Sideburns

10 alternative mediation therapies that’ll catch on any day now

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I’m beginning to think BrightSide and I could kick off a side business offering alternative mediation.  We’ve had a bit of success in the area (a very little bit but hey, any success is better than none, right?) and just might have some skills to offer to the public at large. 

BrightSide’s strengths might lie in more traditional mediation.  He’s all about the feelings and seeing each other’s perspectives and active listening and such…the whole “sit down in a room and put it all out there until we’ve got it resolved” approach.  It’s a perfectly valid system and, frankly, largely responsible for our successes.

Me?  Well, I’ve been considering some alternative approaches to the field.  Clients would probably need to sign some sort of waiver, but I think the ideas below are worth a try.

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$147 a minute makes for pretty expensive bathroom breaks

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Weddings.  The hardcore breakdown.

“Uh oh, DGGYST has been reading again.  Nothing good can come of that.  I get new information and then I pass it on to you like some kind of horrible virus…

So when I read an article that the average cost of a wedding climbed to a record high of $35,329 last year, I was a bit stupefied and immediately felt the need to discuss it with you.

Now let me assure you, I think you are a big sexy adult who is entirely capable of spending her money the way she sees fit.  There are a bunch of ridiculous articles out there telling you that weddings are a waste and stupid, and that you look fat and shouldn’t go to the beach (maybe my magazine pages got stuck together).  I’m not going to do any of that.

I only want you to have a firm understanding of what you are getting for your money.”

Your Wedding, Your Money – Damn, Girl. Get Your Shit Together.

from the mouths of babes (comes bizarre commentary)

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Welcome to another episode of Kid Quotes, land of the wait, what was that? moment.

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Bear, upon her return from camp and the family’s trip to California:  “I haven’t had sweet tea in TWO WEEKS.  TWO WEEKS, people.  We gotta fix this now.”

“You guys are weird.”  From both kids.  All the time.  Without any provocation at all, I swear.

T-man:  “Is this racist?”  We were watching a sidewalk show on the San Francisco pier and performers were ripping jokes on all the volunteers pulled from the crowd.  (BrightSide proudly represented the “middle age white guy” population.  Bless.)

“All your music sounds the same.” says the girl who listens to Top 40 stations where all the music sounds the same.

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I didn’t even know an eyeball could do that. Yikes.

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Gracie gets a lot of play on RFTM.  Not because I’m amping up her antics – if anything, I might be playing them down so we don’t look like totally irresponsible pet owners – but because I find writing about her cathartic.  Somehow being able to send “my dog ate my lunch, a sponge, and half the kid’s shoe” out into the universe helps keep the pet crazy in perspective.  It helps me remember, no matter what nonsense she throws my way, Gracie’s lovey doveyness more than balances the scales.

 

Plus she’s never actually needed ER intervention.  Which is more than I can say for these two.

 

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well deserved canine notoriety (you can call her Gracie Baby)

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So it seems Gracie’s famous, and why shouldn’t she be?  Furry, cuddly, adorable, with energy to spare and big brown eyes that melt even the hardest heart.  She’s famous for much more than her looks though.  Gracie’s ability to devour everything from household items to massive amounts of food is a big part of her notoriety.

Well, that and the fact that we haven’t tossed her out the front door yet.

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