marijuana, white water rafting, & air bound bison

This season has been all about the learning for me.  Summer months filled with sights, sounds, and experiences to file away…bits of knowledge that may or may not be useful at some future point.  You know…stuff.

Like our recycling program.  They pick up our bins every other week, but it’s run by the same company that handles trash disposal.  Now I can’t help wondering if the whole thing is BS & everything ends up in the landfill after all.

And Roombas, those automated pods that toodle around vacuuming your floor?  They’re designed to pick up debris and programmed to change directions, but in a huge design oversight they don’t immediately come to a halt if they run over, say, cat feces.  (True story.)

Now, for your reading pleasure, some of the random bits and pieces I’ve tucked away this summer.

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more “aww, HELL no” items from an otherwise “I’ve got this” girl

**  Cockroaches.

Yes, I’m a grown a** woman who’s had to handle all sorts of gross things but y’all, please.  Cockroaches?  Just…no.  Their giant bodies (are they BORN enormous?) and creepy skittering movements.  Plus that disgusting *crunch* they make when someone (not me ‘cuz COCKROACHES) stomps them flat.  Let’s not even talk about the yucky mess of guts they leave behind.  Just…no.

**  Bloodsucking mosquitos.

Please don’t talk to me about the delicate balance of the ecosystem and such.  I’m sure there’s a parallel universe in which I care about the mosquito’s survival rate, but it’s not this one.  In this one mosquitos feast on our arms and legs as we watch ball games, have neighborhood cookouts, or enjoy the last bit of daylight when it’s not 98 degrees.  Even more fun?  Playing who’s-got-the-most-bites the morning after a family outing and running through half a tube of cortisone.

**  Cigarette smoke.

Indoors, outdoors, in a small room or a large courtyard.  Walking behind someone smoking, sitting near a smoker, getting closed into an elevator with the guy who just took his smoke break.  And don’t talk to me about vaping being the Great Solution.  Cigarette smoke.  Period.

**  Blisters.

Is there anything more wrenching than the betrayal of a pair of perfectly comfortable looking shoes?  Well, sure, of course there is, but still.  I know I’ll be doing a boatload of walking, I put on shoes to get me through the day, and by lunchtime I feel that telltale burn at my heel.  Raw blisters, blood blisters, blisters you can “fix” by draining them (yeah, yeah, I sterilize the needle first) – no matter the type, the hate remains the same.  Dammit.

**  Short people gaslighting.

Okay, for the record, I accept that “short people” comments regarding my particular kids will forthwith be in jest only.  There.  I admitted it.  They’re looking me in the eye.

But what isn’t in jest is the flash fire behind my eyes when those kids gaslight me and there’s a split second when I really can’t remember if I agreed that they could stay out an extra thirty minutes.  Half of me wants to scream omg I know what time you were supposed to be home while the other half is busy thinking hmmm…

gratitude: 5 things

Falling under the not really necessary but definitely things that are wonderfully convenient to have and I wouldn’t really want to live without,  Well, except for that last one.  That last one’s just plain old decadent.

Flushable wipes.

I see your cushy, comfy, kind-to-the-tushy Charmin and raise you a soft, cleansing, Cottonelle wipe to finish things up.  TMI?  Oops.

Wi-fi.

I won’t even harken back to the we-shall-not-speak-of-them dial up days.  How about those USB cords and cables?  I don’t miss the days of having to be physically connected to a router…the magic of wi-fi lets me get to the web from anywhere in my home.  And the coffee shop.  And most hotels and restaurants.  ‘merica.

Sole conforming shoes.

Oh, sweet heaven up above, sole conforming shoes.  It doesn’t matter how comfortable a shoe claims to be, it will never be as awesome as a shoe that shapes to my freaking foot.

Sweat wicking materials.

I live in an area I like to affectionately call Satan’s Sweaty Armpit.  We suffer in gross, sticky, humid conditions May through early October so basically everything I wear is soaked by 2:00pm.  (Of course, given my particular age, everything I wear is soaked by 2:00pm year round but bygones.)  The miracle that is sweat wicking material has been life changing.  Life Changing, I tell you.

Heated tile bathroom floors.

Some of you are all yeah, sure, this is a thing but for the rest of us normal people – THIS IS AN ACTUAL THING.  Shocked the bejeebers out of me on vacation once because I was all come on, this is just silly, who even uses a heated floor?  But then I stepped onto it after a shower and was all HOLY WARM TOOTSIES, BATMAN and promptly curled up on it for a nap.  Purrrrr…

all things fidget spinner

Unless you’ve been living on a desert island (mmmm…desert island) for the last nine months – or are among the over-70-no-grandkids crowd – you know what these whirring, spinning, fidgety toys are.  [If you’ve been one of the lucky few to avoid the craze, here you go.  Check out what all the fuss is about.]  Gadgets created for fidgety fingers, kids are taking these things to new heights every day.

Timing how long they spin.  Spinning two gadgets simultaneously.  Balancing spinners on your nose, your chin, your big toe…kids keep finding bigger (and weirder) things to do with these toys.  Plus posting videos of fidget spinner hijinks – where else – on Instagram is practically an Olympic sport.

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summer travel: guides in the friendly skies

I’ve got a wonky sense of humor.  Even during the wooshy, man-I-hope-I-don’t-puke feeling during takeoff, turbulence, and landing I still manage to find a few giggle worthy moments during airline travel.  The flight attendant’s arrival speech, for one.

THUMP.  Thump thump thump thump, shuuuuuuder, whir.  Perky voice: “Let us be the first to welcome you to (insert correct city here).  Blah blah, blah-dy blah blah.  Please use caution when opening the overhead bins as articles may have shifted during flight.”

a)  Are there still people unaware that it’s possible a carry on might tumble onto their heads when they open that bin?  b)  Really, shouldn’t attendants be warning passengers about the risk of getting sued when their carry on tumbles onto someone else’s head from the overhead bin?  c)  Does this fall under the rule of Darwinism?

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toe socks, growth spurts, and sunburn to beat the band

**   What’s up with the toe socks?  You know, the ones that look like gloves for your feet?  Bear is obsessed with these, has apparently been dying to own a pair, and doesn’t show any sign of letting up on that.  But here’s what I don’t get.  Why on earth does Bear want a pair of these so badly when all she does is b*tch about fitting her pinkies into gloves?

**  There are no words for the shock of looking out onto the basketball court and realizing your daughter’s teammate is a head and a half shorter than she is.  Damn, that’s tall.  And she was only ten.

**  Speaking of which, wouldn’t it be great if we could time these growth spurts for sales?

**  It’s been a couple of years now since T-man transitioned from boys’ to men’s shoes and I’m still not over the sticker shock.  Good grief, what are they making these shoes out of, corinthian leather?!

**  I was sidelined by necessity at Myrtle this week.  Long sleeves, parked under an umbrella, limited time at the pool and no time on the beach, but I figured we could make it work.  Right up until the last day when I left my kids to their own devices and they forgot to apply sunscreen.  At all.  The entire freaking day.  I believe they’re sincerely stunned at how much a sunburn hurts.  Shoot, maybe that’ll help them remember to put on the blessed sunscreen regardless of whether I’m chasing them around with the tube or not.

Share Your World 6/19/17 (plus one)

Running a day late this week, but better late than never! 

What is something that people are obsessed with but you just don’t get the point of?

Fidget spinners.  Lord help me, but I cannot understand how these things have become so freaking prevalent.  I get they’d be useful for kids dealing with hyperactivity, but these things are everywhere.  I know several kids who own three, four, or five of them.  Then there are those youngsters whipping out the stopwatch to time their spinners so they can post their results on social media.  I mean, everyone sees these are just things spinning in a circle, right?

What quirky things do people do where you are from?

The “driving in the neighborhood” wave: four fingers peeled off the steering wheel for a passing car, hand lifted in greeting for neighbors in a yard.

Make sweet tea with enough sugar to keep a kid spinning for days.

Monogram anything that stands still long enough to be tagged.  Hats, shirts, car decals, pet sweaters, organizers, tote bags, travel cups – if it can fit three letters, you’ll find that super flowery script on it around here.

What are some things you wish you could unlearn? 

That wolf spiders carry up to 100 babies on their back, and if you step on them the spiders will scatter everywhere.  That spiders and ticks can climb vertical surfaces.  And that dead skin cells make up some crazy percentage of the dust in my house.  Eww.

Who is someone that you miss having in your life?

My mom.

Optional Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?

Last week Bear had a great time at basketball camp and T-man enjoyed kicking back for his first official week of summer.  We let them have friends over on Friday night, and I’m grateful for the sound of riotous laughter coming from the back of the car on the way to and from the movies.  Nothing beats that kind of laughter.

This week hasn’t had the smoothest start, but I’m hopeful this antibiotic will clear my infection without making me feel too puny in the meantime.  I’m looking forward to getting away with the family for a few days and seeing friends I don’t see nearly enough.


Visit Cee’s blog for her weekly Share Your World post.

What’s happening in your world today?

odds and ends 6/15/17

1.  BrightSide and I watched a fascinating 60 Minutes segment on Sunday about technology.  I expected it to be another look at what tech does to the brain, but instead it discussed how companies are using what they’ve learned about the brain to tweak their coding.  For instance:

  • why Twitter and Instagram use a scroll feed
  • the chemical effect “likes” have on our brains
  • the possibility that a random experiment may have linked our accounts to an algorithm for feedback timing

2.  I’m not sure whether to be impressed or terrified.

3.  I did, however, manage not to tweet about it.

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