Reasons why I absolutely cannot flip someone the bird while my kids are in the car (no matter how much that person really, really deserves it):

  • T-man and Bear will rat me out to BrightSide in a heartbeat.  Misjudge the distance and brake too hard at a stop sign?  Busted.  Exit interstate too soon and cross the shoulder’s rumble strip?  Busted.  Run late for hair appointment, hit two delays en route, then miss turn to BrightSide’s office and mutter “damn”?  Busted.  Every single time.
  • Play by play commentary with accompanying questions from the back seat.  “Wow, that guy’s going really fast, mom.  That’s soooo dangerous.  I hope the police pull him over and give him a ticket.  Why is he going that fast?  I think he should get a really BIG ticket.  Isn’t that against the law?  Can you go to jail for that?”  This commentary is just as likely to be on my driving performance, which puts a lot of pressure on a girl to keep it clean and legit.
  • There’s a good chance it will cause a repeat of the “what does that mean?” conversation.  Portions of this delightful discussion: verbal translations, definitions (there’s nothing quite as charming as differentiating between “fuck” as a noun, verb, or exclamation), connotations (totally situation specific, such as in driving, when you’re not really seeking carnal relations with the guy two lanes over), and the reason why you shouldn’t do it.  This last one would be kind of hard to explain if I’d just tucked my own middle finger back onto the steering wheel…

So, since my options were limited by the presence of minors at the time…

To the guy who felt the need to drive 80+ mph on the interstate last week, nearly rear-ending me when I tried to move to the right so you could pass:

I’m assuming that you didn’t have a life threatening medical emergency forcing you to speed to the hospital.  (If you did, however, here’s a little tip: use your flashers so we don’t all think you’re a jerk.)

Grasp that the left lanes are for passing.  Yes, you may have to ease your foot off the accelerator for the briefest of seconds while I turn on my signal and move into the right lane, but I will get out of the way for you.  As will most drivers on the road because none of us wants to be around your crazy-ass driving.  As far as we’re concerned, the sooner you pass us & get out of sight, the better.

Also, know that nothing requires your presence that urgently.  If your job actually did then you would have one of those special flashy things people put on top of their cars.  I can safely say, no matter where you were heading, getting there four minutes late would have been preferable to bouncing off the median or (call me self-centered) slamming into the car carrying me and my kids.

We’re all in this together.  Speed.  Don’t speed.  It is totally up to you.  Just don’t run us over while you’re getting from point A to point B.

Most gratefully,

all the other drivers on the road

(ps – That flipping the bird rule totally doesn’t count if the kids are too short to see one flash in my lap.  It may lack the satisfaction of letting the other driver know what you think, but let’s be honest: those idiots don’t care what we think anyway.)