1. It is a late start.
2. A very, very late start.
3. But one shall depart…
4. My brain. Because I’m determined.
5. And also sleep deprived.
6. That last one is fair warning in case this post goes all the way off the tracks.
7. I’m trying to get this out before fur baby lunches so SPEED ROUND it is.
8. I’m in this Facebook support group for women going gray.
9. I know, I know, a FB support group sounded a little squirrelly to me at first too.
10. But those first six nine bazillion months were rough and seeing other people who’d been through ditching their hair dye kept me going.
11. Some of those folks even post progress photos.
12. I wasn’t quite that brave but on those days when I wondered what in the everloving frick I was doing it helped to see other people in the struggle.
13. I’ve never thought of myself as a cheerleader — BrightSide, get up off the floor and stop laughing — but I will go hard in that group.
14. As someone who stopped dying (dyeing? that’s better) in 2020 I will rally ’round other people in the fight.
15. Feeling like you want to throw in the towel? Keep going, you’ve got this, you’ll be so glad when you get to the other side.
16. Despise your hair? I get it, my grow out was a struggle. Look at how your eyes pop with your natural color.
17. Not sure about your new style? You look beautiful, give yourself grace while you adjust.
18. See? Cheerleading all day long.
19. Now every once in a while someone sneaks in who has no damn business being in the group.
20. I don’t blame the moderators. There are 290,000 members in there; wrangling that has got to be a bear.
21. Anyway, very rarely I’d stumble on a comment that required cheerleading mixed with a healthy dose of firehose deterrent.
22. Bless if I didn’t see a woman post that she just didn’t think she could keep going with this ditch the dye project.
23. She was at the 4-5 month mark which I can tell you from experience is a fiery pit from hell.
24. You seriously question your life choices when every time you pass a mirror you’re greeted with at least two inches of natural hair clashing with dyed middle-to-ends hair.
25. But I digress.
26. She was struggling and reached out to ask if she should keep going.
27. I scrolled through the comments and saw the typical rounds of cheerleading support marred by a single person’s word vomit.
28. “I don’t know why anyone thinks they look better with gray. You just look old and tired.”
29. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO THIS SWEET WOMAN I’VE NEVER MET BEFORE WHO IS CLEARLY STRUGGLING?
30. Yeah, my mama bear comes out in this group because damn, life is hard enough, go be a pill in your own community and leave ours alone.
31. Did my reply include cheerleading for the original post author? Sure did.
32. It also included a sharp word for the commenter inviting her to be supportive, be quiet, or expeditiously exit stage left so the rest of us can participate in the group’s mission.
33. I may have also suggested she spend time unpacking the patriarchal message that gray hair = old and tired because damn.
34. Now while I may have been sharp with her I did genuinely mean that unpacking suggestion because I for sure had to do it myself.
35. Why was looking in the mirror so hard during my grow out?
36. Why did I hate every photo taken of me during that time (and mostly avoid photos altogether)?
37. Because *I* felt like I looked old and tired, washed out and weary.
38. It took some time to work through where I’d learned what “young” looked like and why it was so terrible not to show up with that very specific presentation.
39. There are people who love their dyed hair and I say good on them. Be happy, be blessed, be whatever you want.
40. Now let’s see if we can get people to embrace that gray/white/whatever is just another color on our heads and not an indication we’ve “let ourselves go.” Because wtf.
Riddle from the Middle 
Kudos to you 🙌🏽 I wished I would’ve known there was a gray-haired support group when I was feeling these very same emotions. It really is a sobering experience that shows you just how deep in patriarchy we have all lived.
Also, confirming that the in-between stage is the worst.
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Preach it sista!!! 💯🤯👍
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We like to holler all the things over here 🤣💛
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as I read this I am 8 weeks post-op from major heart surgery. Needless to say there was no color or even cut during most of this time. The first thing I did was get a cut when I could manage to sit in a chair for that long and ride back home. The cut made me feel great, at least for a few minutes during a particularly difficult stage of healing. Color is scheduled for March, as at 74 my gray is very sparse and fine and au natural mixed with brown, I look tired, worn out, and so harsh. I literally look as bad as I feel. The light blond highlights are softer on the face and so with all due respect to all of you going full gray, I guess I will continue to highlight until I can afford it no longer or if I actually turn gray, if I ever do. My hair is fine and as I age there is less and less and the highlighting does make it look fuller. I am envious of all of you with lustrous gray/white hair!
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I love that your blond highlights make you feel good! Life is short and we all have our own ways of moving through it. For me, the time and expense of being in the chair became a chore that irritated me; for you, the benefits make it all worthwhile. Wishing you all the best as you recover from surgery.💛
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Thank you. The few highlights brightens my face and lights up my green eyes, and it gives me a lift. My dark brown was great through the 30’s but after that the highlights helped a lot. Periodically I grow it out to see how dark it is hoping I have gray and can stop (it is costly), but alas it is still pretty mousy and not enough gray to really notice.
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I did that almost a year ago. It was easy for me as I got my hair cut quite short and the growing out was quick. Besides many people have told me that my hair looks better now than it did before.
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I think that’s true of all the no-dye people I’ve seen. The natural color always compliments skin so well. Mine made my old photos with colored hair look harsh.
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Yes I think you’re right.
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I was always a dishwater blond, and I felt a need to help it out with streaks or more most of my life. But then pigment started leaving my hair, and I discovered I quite liked it – strange, huh? What bothers me are the wrinkles that I think are meeting while I sleep to produce more wrinkles. I keep reminding myself that I AM 83, after all, and wrinkles are to be expected – but I gotta admit that when someone younger asks my age and responds with “you look great” without the “for your age”, although it’s implied, my heart gets very happy. We have to remember that each additional year is another badge, and the alternative is much less attractive.
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Absolutely. I agree, the wrinkles are unnecessarily aggressive. They’re also sneaky in that I forget I have them until I decide to “fix my face” then WHAM. Unmissable wrinkles. 😆 But remembering the choices are a body that’s aged or leaving that body altogether…well, I’ll learn to live with the shift.
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