I thought I’d smelled some awful things before.  Rotting vegetables found in the back of a crisper drawer.  Collard greens simmering.  Blowout diapers that baked for a week until trash day.

But the last year has brought some truly odorific moments, both teen- and house-related.  Some take me by surprise; others are ones you’d think I’d be used to.  But either way, they’re all stenches that brought me to my knees with a plaintive cry…Dear God, WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!?

**  That horrible mustiness with a slightly sour undertone seeping into the back hallway after BrightSide parks his mower covered in wet grass in the garage.

**  A sharp painful punch from the bottom of each kid’s hamper after sweaty clothes sit percolating for a week.

**  The swampy, moldy smell overwhelming literally every single thing that came home from camp.

**  The overpowering stench of bodily functions and sweat pouring out of the kids’ bathroom.

**  A pungent aroma wafting from the fridge once too many takeout boxes accumulate.

**  Phoebe’s stealthy, bombshell, silent but deadly farts.

**  The one and only time I was searching for the source of a particularly nasty smell and made the mistake of sniffing inside the kids’ sneakers.

**  Soaking wet water shoes left in the shade to mildew.

**  Walking into the kitchen to find air filled with an overpowering toxic smell wafting from a crock pot that soaked overnight.

**  The deadly combination of August heat, recess, P.E., and a tank top when a kid stretches their arms overhead.

**  An unpleasant fishy smell inexplicably emanating from the dogs.

Science has come a long way, but there are no candles or air fresheners on the market powerful enough to overcome these odors.  They slide up your nostrils and lodge themselves in your olfactory memory, forcing you to relive the smell for hours afterward.  Shoot, extended studies may even show they’re singing nose hairs with long term exposure.

Give me a company willing to advance a product to combat everyday household stank…now that’s some research and development I’d get behind 100%.