Personal air vents.

On a Boeing 767 we’re talking about breathing recirculated air with 300 souls. So let’s crunch the numbers.

Assuming no one boards the plane with, say, TB…you’re likely looking at 11% (or 33 people) spewing some common airborne sickie germs. Given the fact that all 33 of those people boarded the plane of their own free will, there’s a 100% chance they’re breathing. Therefore, turning on the personal air vent above your head feeds you a steady flow of 100% germ infested oxygen.

Alternatively, sticking to the air surrounding your seat exposes you to…well…100% germ infested oxygen. So yeah. That’s pretty much a lose/lose scenario, the only difference being whether the germy air is blasted directly into your face. Good luck.

Overhead bin hogs.

Why don’t we call these people out on their greed? That space is precious, people. Gold. So I’m cool with your carry on snuggling in up there, but your purse? Your jacket? Your freaking hat?! No. Just no.

Dilemmas from the hideously long flight column.

** Do I bring horribly overpriced airport food on board with me or count on the kindness of flight attendants to keep my blood sugar from tanking?

** Water, water, wherefore art thou, water…there’s never enough hydration in this god-forsaken space.

** Butt numb, calves tight, feet cramped. For someone who doesn’t work out I sure get cranky when forced to sit still.

** Hot, cold, hot, cold. Hot hot hot hot – WHY IS IT SO HOT IN HERE?? [10 minutes later] Cold cold cold cold – WHERE IS THAT BREEZE COMING FROM??

We need some basic early flight rules in place. Something to set reasonable expectations for those 7am flights.

** No straight-from-the-shoot model hair permitted.

** Clothing should land somewhere in the range of yoga/workout wear to uber casual running-to-pick-up-a-pizza outfits.

** No Fancy Dress Shoes. (omg, it’s seven o’clock inthemorning, people. Get a grip.)