I feel like I’ve got a decent edit function, generally speaking. Fine, some days I do better than others, but overall I try to keep the crazy to a minimum. Then again, my definition of minimum has definitely shifted since the kids came along. My definition of crazy, too.
So with no further ado, here are some “wait, Laura, what was that?!” moments for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.
1. “My uterus is tired. It does not know where all of the things are any more. Try using your eyes.”
2. “We appreciate you trying to kill that mystery smell in your room but that’s a no on open flames. You don’t have to sit and stare at it, but if you’re leaving? Yeah, you’ve gotta blow that out.”
3. “Why is it 100 degrees inside this house? Am I the only one boob sweating her way through sports bras here??”
4. “Water. It’s what’s wet.”
5. “So how are things on The Bachelor?”
6. “Okay, we’ve got a picky eater, one high blood pressure, one mammals only, one gluten free, and two vegetarians – what goes with that?”
7. “Why is Jane the Virgin on my Netflix feed?”
8. “Why is this sticky? No, seriously, why is this sticky??”
9. “Look, I try to keep an open mind but these things taste like feet. Who thought this was a good idea?”
10. “Sure, I’m up for a thirteenth round of Uno. Just let me floss, fold towels, pay bills, and clean the grout in my shower first.”