1. These have been the longest two weeks of my life.
2. Every time I think I’ve reached capacity for processing trauma something else piles on. ENOUGH ALREADY.
3. A raging pandemic with rising death tolls and new strains popping up across the country, election deniers, white supremacists blending in with an enormous mob of other white supremacists, and a violent insurrection followed by the steady beat of “but unity” Republican mouthpieces.
4. Then there’s video slowly but surely surfacing from the Capitol attack.
5. Watching a mob overrun Capitol police causes incredible anxiety but nothing – and I mean nothing – compares to watching domestic terrorists drag an officer down the stairs while they beat him.
6. Every time I see it my stomach clenches. I can’t help feeling how terrified he must have been.
7. The video of the officer being crushed against a door is equally traumatic. Those screams. I just can’t.
8. Side point, as an avid Black Lives Matter supporter I do, in fact, care about “blue lives.” Because I care about people. And I would like everyone to care EQUALLY when Black bodies are in danger.
9. The fact that the FBI briefing says people will be stunned once they see some of the footage that hasn’t yet been released gives me serious pause.
10. Some newly released information in and of itself is distressing.
11. That Pelosi’s staffers knew how to lock down in a conference room because they were raised on school shooter drills.
12. Ayanna Pressley had to choose between cramming herself in a packed room with armed guards or leaving to shelter with her husband after being warned they’d be “on their own” against the mob.
13. Also that all the panic buttons had been removed from Ayanna Pressley’s offices.
14. That they found their way to House Majority Whip Jim Clyburn’s out of the way office instead of his public one on the main floor.
15. Dozens of people on the FBI’s terrorist watch list were in DC on the day of the attack without triggering increased security.
16. It’s like a drip-drip-drip of horror that’s unlikely to end. The Washington Post ran an article called “We got to hold this door” with a truly terrifying account from officers serving in the Capitol.
17. The impeachment hearings (see yesterday’s rant) were crap.
18. Domestic terrorists attacked our Capitol after months of being wound up over a “stolen” election and one of the main instigators got 197 nay votes against impeachment. That vote should have been a resounding declaration that any attack on our democracy will be met with ferocious opposition.
19. By trying to appease Trump’s base these Republicans emboldened extremist groups who are ready to finish the job.
20. I used to worry about sounding paranoid. Then white supremacists attempted a bloody coup on television.
21. That makes me sound British but nope, it was literally a bloody coup.
22. I caught the tail end of a radio segment discussing the investigation into why authorities dropped the ball on issuing an action report about credible threats.
23. In a stunning understatement the person said they were investigating the influence of bias. That people making the threat assessment were unable to conceive of someone who looked like them committing last week’s violence.
24. Hmm. That’s only what Black people have been telling us for decades.
25. So there’s covid stress and Trumper stress and terrorists attacking the Capitol stress. Add in a health problem at home and I was at peak capacity.
26. Then it was time to take Phoebe to the cardiologist.
27. Side note: I’ve reached the point where driving two hours away by myself means I do a threat assessment for the area. ‘Cuz 2021 is that kind of year so far.
28. A few months ago Phoebe had a seizure. The next day our vet detected a heart murmur then x-rays showed what looked like heart enlargement so she suggested getting an echocardiogram.
29. Seeing that in writing makes this all sound super serious but I really didn’t think it was. Phoebe’s extremely active so I remember asking if she’d do the echo on her own dog. She said something about blood pressure medication that could possibly improve her quality of life so I scheduled it.
30. That may sound simple but most places in North Carolina were booked out until summer so in the end I was grateful only to have to drive two hours yesterday morning.
31. Our happy go lucky dog and my general sense of things had me killing time in the parking lot like it was just another day. That’s why I was blown away when the cardiologist called with Phoebe’s results.
32. It was bad news. I’m usually good with bad news. I mean not good like I love it or anything but I handle crap well. Typically. Probably because I spend most of my time anticipating complications. Except yesterday. What the hell.
33. Phoebe has dilated cardiomyopathy. A lot of information followed that part and I did my best to take it all in but, you know…Phoebe has dilated cardiomyopathy.
34. Just for the record the cardiologist was shocked because our active doggo pranced on in there like she didn’t have a care in the world. Well, except for the fact her mama had just handed her off to strangers but besides that…
35. I spent the two hours back trying to wrap my brain around what was happening. That’s when it hit me: I had to tell the kids.
36. Y’all. Phoebe and Gracie are our fourth and fifth dogs. We’ve lost dogs before, I know this pain, but these are the dogs my kids grew up with.
37. It went about like you’d think. Handling my pain is one thing, helping my kids navigate theirs is quite another.
38. HAVE I MENTIONED PEAK CAPACITY?
39. So I guess as far as good news goes we’ve made it to Friday without another terrorist attack in our country and that’s not nothing.
40. If you have friends or family serving on the police force or with the National Guard drop them a line. It’s going to be a stressful time for a while and watching what happened last week left a mark on all of us.