BrightSide and I love these kids to the moon and back.  We’ve told them six ways from Sunday, for years and years, but there’s no way to force them to believe it.  To trust deep down in their bones that they’re cherished and always will be.  No matter what.

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Trust can be a huge struggle for adoptees.

Some feel abandoned by their birthparents, rejected on a level that’s so core to their being that it affects self-esteem and the ability to accurately perceive situations.  Some grieve the loss of their first family, and that throws roadblocks up to building lifelong bonds with their adoptive family.  Some can’t get beyond the pain of that first loss, making their ability to experience intimacy challenging at best.

There are so many reasons a child you love beyond all reason can struggle with faith in their family.  The fear can be hard to shake…after you’ve been discarded once, who’s to say you won’t be left behind again?

T-man has struggled a lot with this issue, more than we’ve seen with Bear so far.  This could be due to any number of things, really – the kids’ ages, where they are in their psychological/emotional development, the fact that we didn’t adopt T-man until he was ten months old, a difference in their genetic makeup. Most likely it’s a combination of factors, a tangle of influences too intertwined to separate.

Regardless, for whatever reasons, T-man has had a more difficult time fully believing in the sanctity of our family.  Doubts have crept into his mind, fear masked as uncertainty or anger, and it made for some pretty rough years to weather.  But it finally seems like we’re on the right track.  There are times when we all click, and T-man looks genuinely happy.  At last we feel like we’re making steady progress, and yet…

There’s still this distance sometimes, a wall that T-man puts up when he feels like he’s not a part of our family.  To me it’s like a door slamming out of the blue – I don’t usually know what’s brought it on, only that he suddenly feels like he’s on the outside looking in at a mom, a dad, and a girl he’s supposed to call his sister.

To be blunt, this abrupt shift really throws me for a loop.  Honestly, if we were going to crack under the pressure it would have happened by now; it’s not like we haven’t fought our way through adversity time and again.  Together.  Our family gets through all of it together.  And even though he’s only eleven, I have no idea how T-man seems to simply forget that sometimes.

So I remind myself again about trust – what a fragile element it is between a parent and child, hard-won and easily broken – and that T-man’s life experiences have wreaked havoc with his ability to rely on us unequivocally.  I remind myself that he doesn’t put that wall up because he hates us but because he might be anticipating rejection himself.  I remember the joyful moments and tell myself they’ll be back again.

BrightSide and I are here through thick and thin.  We remain strong through the troubled times and stand tall for the triumphs, providing T-man and Bear with our steadfast love and guidance.  We’ll keep working on the trust issues and hopefully, with time, our T-man will learn that we truly are a Forever Family.