There are times when something comes out of your kid’s mouth that’s so utterly surprising you’re stunned into silence. It doesn’t happen to me often – sometimes it would probably help matters more if I did keep my trap shut – but once in a while even I’m knocked off my feet by these little people.
I wrote about telling the kids about how we became parents in Forever Family: stories matter, but I didn’t go into detail about what prompted that talk. It came from one of those shock and awe moments, an instant where time stood still while I tried to process what on earth T-man had just said out loud.
T-man had been feeling particularly disconnected from the family, and we were exploring the reasons behind that. It was probably the first time I’d really asked him to articulate such complicated thoughts, and even though it was hard he was making an honest effort. “What do you mean when you say I’m not your ‘real’ mom?”, “What is it that makes you feel like Bear’s not your sister?”, and “What is real?” are tricky…I was asking him to explain feelings, which is a bit of a no man’s land, and he didn’t have a lot of experience breaking down tough thoughts.
But we gave it a go anyway. ‘Cause, you know…parenting.
T-man was expressing a real “them and me” mindset – like it was Bear, BrightSide, and me and then him (separate) in our home. I knew this came from deeper issues and there’s no magic wand for fixing a sense of belonging, so we were meandering through a maze of questions about where each thought came from.
Until he hit me right between the eyes with a comment that he didn’t feel as much a part of our family since I didn’t go to the “trouble” to have him.
Screeeeecchhh…
Yep, there’s that shock and awe moment.
Mind blown, party of one.
It took a little digging to get to the bottom of this particular statement, but essentially it boiled down to the fact that having a baby takes work. There’s the whole being-pregnant-for-nine-months part, and then the hospital, plus excruciating labor and delivery. Without that physical investment in creating him, T-man (for lack of better phrasing) didn’t feel like I had to work for him. This made him feel less valued as part of the family.
Thus launching the whole conversation about how hard it was for us to build a family. It was totally worth it, but it was most definitely work.
I haven’t pushed T-man any further on this concept…In all honesty, I don’t need to know if he believes bearing a child makes someone more of a mother at her core than a woman who adopted one. T-man knows now that we had to work very hard indeed to reach the point where he could become our son, and that was what mattered.
As far as shock and awe moments go, that one was a doozy, though I’m sure there are plenty more to come. How about your family? Any conversational surprises that have stopped you in your tracks?
That’s a toughie but I think it speaks to you that he will ask that question out loud rather than keep it bottled up inside him. So many kids internalize questions they want or need to ask. This came out from his heart and while it may have stung yours, I’m sure your answer went a long way toward easing his thoughts. Not that they won’t materialize again in some way, but part of it will always be children testing or challenging parents.
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I was definitely grateful he’d said it out loud because I *for real* would never have thought of that one in a million years. Feeling different because we aren’t related by blood, because we don’t look alike, just plain old because he’s adopted & that makes him different from his friends, yes…but because I didn’t go to the trouble of getting pregnant? That came out of the blue. 🙂 I hope we can keep this kind of openness going into his teens.
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I never heard of that one before. I wonder where it came from, what triggered that question or thought.
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It is curious, isn’t it? During that same conversation I learned that he had a completely unrealistic idea of adoption — basically that he thought you decided to adopt & picked out a kid. Maybe that seemed too easy?
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Maybe, but it’ll be interesting and I’m sure a little unnerving to see where his mind takes him next. Was your daughter part of the same conversation? If so, did she have any thoughts or questions?
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Yep. I wonder if I’ll ever get used to the unnerving part. 🙂
My daughter wasn’t in the room for the first one (when he said the part about “trouble”) — she took part in the conversation where we told the whole story, start to finish, about trying to get pregnant & then the adoption process. She was surprised at that one, too. I guess we’d never really put out there how much we’d gone through to become a mom & dad…
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Now they’ll have time to digest it, as will you..)
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I understand the shock effect, it happens to many of my friends who have adopted children. You will find a loving way to address this. Wishing you the best. 💕
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Thank you. All my parent friends have shock & awe moments of their own — this one still took me by surprise. 🙂 I guess you never know what’s in their head until it pops out, right?
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Brutal, unabashed honesty. Hope they can keep that going through those turbulent teen years. ☺
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