There are times when something comes out of your kid’s mouth that’s so utterly surprising you’re stunned into silence.  It doesn’t happen to me often – sometimes it would probably help matters more if I did keep my trap shut – but once in a while even I’m knocked off my feet by these little people.

I wrote about telling the kids about how we became parents in Forever Family: stories matter, but I didn’t go into detail about what prompted that talk.  It came from one of those shock and awe moments, an instant where time stood still while I tried to process what on earth T-man had just said out loud.

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T-man had been feeling particularly disconnected from the family, and we were exploring the reasons behind that.  It was probably the first time I’d really asked him to articulate such complicated thoughts, and even though it was hard he was making an honest effort.  “What do you mean when you say I’m not your ‘real’ mom?”, “What is it that makes you feel like Bear’s not your sister?”, and “What is real?” are tricky…I was asking him to explain feelings, which is a bit of a no man’s land, and he didn’t have a lot of experience breaking down tough thoughts.

But we gave it a go anyway.  ‘Cause, you know…parenting.

T-man was expressing a real “them and me” mindset – like it was Bear, BrightSide, and me and then him (separate) in our home.  I knew this came from deeper issues and there’s no magic wand for fixing a sense of belonging, so we were meandering through a maze of questions about where each thought came from.

Until he hit me right between the eyes with a comment that he didn’t feel as much a part of our family since I didn’t go to the “trouble” to have him.

Screeeeecchhh…

Yep, there’s that shock and awe moment.

Mind blown, party of one.

It took a little digging to get to the bottom of this particular statement, but essentially it boiled down to the fact that having a baby takes work.  There’s the whole being-pregnant-for-nine-months part, and then the hospital, plus excruciating labor and delivery.  Without that physical investment in creating him, T-man (for lack of better phrasing) didn’t feel like I had to work for him.  This made him feel less valued as part of the family.

Thus launching the whole conversation about how hard it was for us to build a family.  It was totally worth it, but it was most definitely work.

I haven’t pushed T-man any further on this concept…In all honesty, I don’t need to know if he believes bearing a child makes someone more of a mother at her core than a woman who adopted one.  T-man knows now that we had to work very hard indeed to reach the point where he could become our son, and that was what mattered.

As far as shock and awe moments go, that one was a doozy, though I’m sure there are plenty more to come.  How about your family?  Any conversational surprises that have stopped you in your tracks?

Doug&Turner