Why do people throw cigarette butts out their car window? Is it laziness? That they just don’t want to clean out their ashtrays? Even if it is laziness…why are the damn things still burning when they’re tossed? This completely freaked out the kids when they were younger; it took forever to convince them a burning butt wouldn’t blow up our car.
Why is there a Dollar General every 2.3 miles around here? If we drew this circumference around our house we’d hit three stores easy. Looking for a snack chip in five minutes or less? We’ve got you covered.
But why can’t they be 7-11s? I mean sure, milk and laundry detergent is useful, but quick and easy access to Slurpees? That’s priceless.
Speaking of, what magical component of the 7-11 Slurpee machine makes those drinks exactly the right consistency? Not too thick, not too slushy, with the perfect ice to syrup ratio…Others have tried to recreate the Slurpee, and when push comes to shove Sheetz isn’t a bad compromise. But it’s just not the same.
Why don’t babies arrive with the following warnings attached:
** Some days it’s chocolate; others it’s vanilla.
** You’ll only guess right 4% of the time.
** Altogether you’ll pay more to keep me in shoes than you spent on your first car.
** If you’re not fighting to put sunscreen on me, you’re listening to me scream, “It’s in my eye!!”
** I will half ass every chore I do from ages 9 to 15.
** Buy stock in Cheerios, Goldfish, and IceePops now. It’ll pay off.
Why do all doctor/dentist/whatever offices have that godawful splotchy brown carpet?
Why do my kids say they want fruit, but not normal fruit like apples, oranges, or bananas?
And how come they only eat a third of the fruit when I bring home strawberries, nectarines, grapes, and peaches?
Is it considered child cruelty if I insist the kids eat fruit every day? Because it’s killing me to throw this stuff out, it really is.
Which leads us to what the hell are they teaching at school that makes our kids shout, “Child abuse!” at the drop of a hat? The last time they said it BrightSide and I looked at each other then busted out laughing. I don’t think that was the reaction they were going for.
Why did Netflix drop 13 Reasons Why on instant streaming? And why did two of Bear’s friends watch and recommend the damn thing?
How do kids manage to spot one of the few age inappropriate books when staring at a whole bookshelf full of choices?
When did “it’s not age appropriate” stop being a conversation wrap up? (Cue last week when I was telling Bear yes, her friends watched the show and yes, the book is better…but 13 Reasons Why deals with issues like high school parties, drugs, drinking, sex, suicide, and date rape. And I’m just not ready for those conversations yet.)
Why are we always in some public waiting room when a radio commercial comes on promising a pill that will increase your penis size? Guaranteed. Lawd.