Let’s not delve into ridiculous lawsuit inspired warnings – things like “never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level” or “do not drive with sun shield in place” – for fear that I’ll never regain my footing.  Once I fall down the rabbit hole of who on earth needs to be told THAT? it’s difficult to sound like a rational human being again, so I find it best to avoid the trap altogether.

Instead, let’s talk about warning signs like these.  Plus a few more.


Warning:  Don’t be fooled by the name.  Leaves weigh as much as the freaking table.

Boy, do I love a table leaf.  Need to seat extra folks at Thanksgiving?  Just pop in the extra leaf.  Need to be able to walk around in your dining room?  No problem, just store that extra section in the attic.  Sounds simple enough.  But no one tells you that you’ll strain your back just lifting your extra table piece in and out.  “Leaf.”  Bah!


Warning:  Beware SoftClose cabinet doors.

“What are you talking about, Laura?  A cabinet door?  What could possibly be dangerous about a soft closing door?”  Here’s another example of a name that lulls you into a false sense of security.  What’s dangerous about a soft closing door?  Let’s see…we can start with the fact that it gives Gracie ten times as long to shove her head inside.  On a more personal note it seems you actually can still pinch your finger, even in a door closing only millimeters at a time.


Warning:  Enter only if bladder is about to burst and you’re current on immunizations.

Part Two:

** Bathroom is sprayed with Lysol once a month.  Adjust expectations accordingly.

** You’ve entered an outdoor facility.  You will freeze in January and stick to your underwear in August.  Pee at your own risk.

** Lavatory primarily frequented by intoxicated patrons.  Aim often compromised.  Watch your step.


Warning:  Proprietor is not responsible for air quality encountered beyond this point.

Levels may include toxic amounts of secondhand smoke, eye watering B.O., and overpowering cologne or perfume.