more than a few people lately: Were you talking to me?

me: Oh, nope, just talking to myself.

people brave enough to ask: About what?

This is what I say:

What I still need to get on the school supplies list.

What I’m actually muttering:

Will those jeans we ordered come in time? In the right size and color? It will take a vat of wine to survive another trip to AE.

How is it I never ever ever pick the right checkout line?

“I bring people together” – you can bite my ass you horrible, disgraceful, rude, dismissive, divisive, abusive racist.

Maybe I should have bought the yellow binder.

Did I set up the dog sitter?

Is there enough dog food in the bin?

Gracie’s probably destroying something right now. Dammit.

So if I divide the price by the ounces and compare it then the smaller one is the better deal…weird…

NO, it is NOT socialism you stupid, motherfu –

Of course I respect the office of the president. I cannot respect the man sitting in it.

School shopping. They were freaking Back to School shopping and now there are littles who don’t understand why they haven’t come home.

God, I miss mozzarella sticks.

Seriously, girl, do you not understand the lengths I’ll go to so I don’t have to call someone? I will figure out this online ordering if it kills me.