My kids have never really had much of a choice when it comes to being pretty conspicuously adopted.  I mean, all people have to do is look at our family to see that we’re a little bit…different.

And that’s okay.  I don’t mind being different.  (If I’m entirely honest with myself, being different has never been much of a problem for me.) 

But I’m an adult who’s had a lot of time to learn the value of not giving a crap what people think.  It may have taken more than forty years, but I’m finally there.  It’s rather freeing to be more concerned with living my truth than living up to to other people’s expectations, so that’s how I roll these days.

However, I also recognize that this “open book” philosophy is my own and not one I can force on the other people in my life, so I’ve found it’s important to touch base with them about their own feelings.  Even the little people.  Especially the little people.

The kids have approached the idea of privacy about adoption differently over the years.

T-man is sort of boxed in here.  His dark complexion doesn’t really allow for wiggle room, genetics-wise, but he’s always chosen to insist on acceptance without explanation.  Over the years I’d visit his classroom, and another student might question him half a dozen times about who I was…T-man would simply keep insisting “Yes, she’s my mom” without feeling the need to provide further information or embellishment. In fact, I can’t remember a single time when the word “adopted” passed his lips at school.

Bear, on the other hand, has always spoken freely about her family.  I volunteered frequently in her second and third grade classrooms, and there were times both years when the subject of our “real” relationship would come up with her classmates.  (Especially after BrightSide visited.)  Bear would always start with “She’s my mom” but if questioned a second time she’d simply say “I’m adopted.”  Simple…straightforward…and it always finished the conversation because really, what more does an eight-year-old need to know?

Bear’s history of wholeheartedly open honesty is what made her reaction to her classmate’s “You’re ADOPTED?!” so surprising to me.  At first I didn’t understand…she’d been so candid in years past about how our family came to be.  But Bear was extremely upset that this particular girl – someone that she truly and intensely dislikes – would know something so very personal about her.

Interestingly, Bear didn’t seem fazed by the fact that she hollered this out in the middle of the classroom.  I actually think that girl could have whispered it to Bear without a soul around and gotten the same reaction.  Bear was singularly horrified that someone she did not choose to confide in knew what had become an extremely personal piece of information about her.

We sat down together on Monday evening to talk about the day’s events, and Bear (in her wise-beyond-her-years way) did an excellent job explaining to me how her attitude had changed about being adopted.  I don’t think she has a problem with the fact that she’s adopted; she’s just decided that it’s private information that she’ll only share with close friends.

All of which is completely valid.  Every child’s story is their own, and their privacy should be respected. We also need to keep in mind that as our kids grow their need for privacy may change, and honoring them means valuing their decisions about how and when to share their story.

So I had a little talk with Bear about elementary school.  I explained that since she’s been open about her family in the past, she can’t get upset if somebody knows she’s adopted.  (After all, it’s not THAT big a school.)  But while it may be pretty common knowledge by now, that doesn’t mean her private life is fair game for public conversation.  It’s Bear’s choice whether someone is close enough to her to talk about something so personal.

Basically I told her she’d need to hang in there for another year and a half.  Get through fourth and fifth grade, and then when Bear goes off to middle school it’s like hitting the reset button.  (Sure, we’ll be in for all kinds of different problems then, but I figured we’d leave that for another time.)  Bear would be meeting lots of new people and making new friends, and it would be her decision alone whether to confide in them.

I thought I had a handle on this particular area, but I learned a lot this week.  Just because a kid has always been an open book doesn’t mean she’ll always want to have her personal business out there for anyone and everyone to discuss.  And I suppose that means just because a kid has always been reserved when it came to discussing family matters it wouldn’t mean he might not be more forthcoming in the future.

I guess it was just another reminder that I’ve got to keep my eyes open and my ear to the ground…these kiddos are live wires, and it takes vigilance to keep up as they grow and change.

familyCE