This is my brain.

Get to bed. Go to sleep. Wake up once to pee.


This is my brain when I have to get up at 4am.

1.  Okay, you need to go to bed early. You’ve got to get a good night’s sleep. Come on, you’re a grown up, make sound choices.

2.  Climb into bed at 11:00pm. Can’t get to sleep until closer to 11:30pm. What the what, man?! How hard was it to just go to bed by ten? SHEESH.

3.  Wake up at midnight. Might as well pee.

4.  Wake up at 2:00am. Ugh. Might as well pee.

5.  Wonder if my commitment to hydration means I’ll never sleep well again.

6.  Wake up at 3:30am. Narrowly avoid throwing phone across room because COME ON. Pee a third time because why not. (Yes, BrightSide, this is why our water bill will be higher this month.)

7.  Climb back into bed. Realize heartburn is kicking in from late night chips and dip. Regret poor life choices.

8.  Accept going back to sleep just means I’ll be furious when that 4:00am alarm goes off. Plus I always use my GET UP GET UP GET UP alarm at hideous hours and that means Green Day blasting American Idiot. Not a subtle waking.

9.  But maybe it’s worth it. Maybe that thirty minutes will be the difference between functioning and snarling at my kid. But maybe that thirty minutes will finally drop me into a deep sleep, one that means I miss my alarm, and then my kid might oversleep, and then he might come flying in here panicked because he’s gonna miss the bus, so we have to speed to the school, but then we could get in a wreck – OMG, WOMAN, JUST GET OUT OF BED.

10. Okay, I’m up.