“Just head on up the street a bit, you’ll see the yellow hydrant where you turn.”

These are the type of directions I roll with. Please don’t come at me with “Head south on Church Street for two miles then look for what used to be the Baptist church” because for real, what does that even mean? Do people inherently know how far two miles is? How am I supposed to be spotting an evolved church when I’m checking my odometer every ten seconds??

Y’all. I had a snowball’s chance in hell of knowing which way south was before we got this super fancy car with a directional compass display. Except I use it so rarely — seriously, how often does one need to know which way is west? — that when I do have to use this particular tool in the toolbox I’m frantically searching my dashboard for the dumb thing. C’mon, c’mon, where is it? Time, temperature, radio station, mileage, speed limit, gas display, WHERE’S THE FREAKING COMPASS THINGY?!

Let’s just say I rarely find the compass reading when I actually need it. It’s more of a huh, look at that, I guess we’re heading northeast right now sort of thing. Wonder how we can market that one to America. Anyway.

Down is less helpful in driving directions, mostly because it’s so situation specific. Times when “down” is clear enough:

  • once you turn in head down the driveway and park under the basketball hoop
  • you’ll drive down the hill and our street is the first one on your left
  • don’t go downtown, it’s a mess down there

Times when it’s not:

  • turn down Smith Street but mind the speed limit – This has way too many variables. Where am I hitting Smith Street? Does “turn down” mean go left? And is that your left or my left? Or does it depend on whether Mercury’s in retrograde?
  • just pop down to the neighbors’ – Um, no. Which neighbors. When. For how long. And who’s responsible for prying me out of a corner when I break down from making small talk.

And now I’m thinking of that West Wing episode with the cartographers and how north isn’t necessarily up. Here ya go, in case you missed it (or if you’re just looking for a good laugh). Happy Saturday, everyone.

Linda hosts Stream of Consciousness. This week’s prompt is “up/down.” Use one, use them both, but try to put one in your first sentence. Bonus points if you use the other in your last sentence. Have fun!