Parenting is a pretty weird gig.

A lot of us head into it with a pie-in-the-sky picture of what our life will be like, often spelled out down to the last detail.  Bonding.  Nutrition.  Discipline.  Lots of general parenting concepts that we never really articulate, they’re just lurking in our brains as “how we’re gonna do it.”

Reality is also a pretty weird gig.

I found out pretty quickly that there was a vast difference between my hypothetical parenting style and adaptations made on the fly when the little buggers actually exist.  But as far as I’m concerned, you gotta roll with the times or they’ll roll right over you.

So, in honor of the great internet list tradition, here are ten things I never thought I’d hear myself say as a parent:

  1. “No face piercing in the back seat.”  (I’m pretty sure BrightSide would have wanted this to be “no face piercing, EVER” but hey, I did my best.)
  2. “Am I the ONLY person who understands how to put a fork in the dishwasher?”
  3. “Sit up.  If I get rear-ended going 65 mph while you’re laying like that the seatbelt’s more likely to decapitate you than save your life.”
  4. “Sure, you can have a hot dog for breakfast.”
  5. “Stop eating that dryer sheet!”  (Technically this was addressed to Gracie, but she is like a perpetual toddler in my house.)
  6. “Did you put on deoderant?”  (repeated ad infinitum)
  7. “No, you can’t wear the same clothes as yesterday.  Because they’re dirty.  And smelly.  We just don’t do it.  Because I said so!!”
  8. “Have you eaten anything today?  Frozen waffles?  Okay.”
  9. “Did you flush?”
  10. “Stop hugging the dog.  Do you want her to bite your face off?”