I can’t help but giggle when I think back on my pre-child days, a time brimming with all those pie-in-the-sky views about My Parenting Philosophy.  (As if it’s possible to really understand what your life will be like until these little people are actually living in your home.  HA!)

How I’d never raise my voice.  That the phrase “Because I said so” would not be used as a complete answer.  And that honesty is always the best policy.

Sure, I believed in perpetuating the big happy lies – the Easter bunny, Santa Clause, the tooth fairy.  Those imaginary characters are a huge part of childhood.  I didn’t have any problem with carrying on those traditions with my kids, but the little lies that creep in until they saturate daily life?  Nope.  Not with my kids.

I can hear all you parents out there laughing hysterically by now.

I vividly remember a car trip with my sister and her two little (at the time) girls.  It was just the four of us, and as we passed a McDonald’s the younger one piped up with a plea to stop. Without missing a beat, Bee told her the McDonald’s was closed.

It was the middle of the day.

I recall asking Bee how she could lie so easily to her kids like that, and she told me that one day I’d understand.  As usual, my sister was right.  It wasn’t until I was a mom of walking, talking, cognizant human beings that I understood how truly crucial the ability to lie swiftly and convincingly would be to my survival.

For example, you can’t have a full-blown conversation about the nutritional value of McDonald’s happy meals with your four-year-old.  A) They don’t care about “nutritional value.”  B) There’s a McDonald’s every five miles in every damn city so you’d be having that conversation all the time.

Once my kids were able to speak (i.e. ask for things, over and over, without end) I quickly grasped the situation: I’d either find myself talking my way into a case of laryngitis daily with my detailed explanations or, if the situation didn’t warrant clarification, I’d develop the ability to shut down the request completely.  Preferably the first time.

Some useful “parenting lies” that came in handy while T-man and Bear were young:

  • That McDonald’s/Biscuitville/Burger King/fast-food-restaurant is closed right now. (Thanks, Bee.  This one came in REALLY handy.)
  • The store was out of cookies.
  • The dogs need to take a nap right now, too.
  • No, we don’t have any new batteries.
  • The directions say that toy has to recharge every day so we can’t use it after 6:00pm.
  • Mommy’s really sorry.  I tried, but I can’t fix it.  (Works on any extremely annoying item that mysteriously stops working.)
  • “Bob the Builder” isn’t on today.

Were these statements true?  Rarely.  But did they improve the odds that I’d make it through the day without running screaming into the streets?  Absolutely.

For several reasons, the lying component of the parent-child dynamic shifted radically as the kids grew.  Partly it’s that they’re not as gullible anymore (damn that intelligence thing), and partly it’s the whole they-really-need-to-trust-us mindset.  We say what we mean and we mean what we say and all that jazz.

It’s required some change in perspective for them: sometimes the answer is no simply because it is and not due to a tangible reason.  Do I think the world will end if Bear eats dessert at 7:30?  No, but I’m pretty sure the sugar will make it harder for her to calm down before bed, so dessert simply doesn’t happen late in our house.  (For them, anyway.  I know, I know…I’m a huge sugar hypocrite.)

For me it also meant growing a stiffer backbone, especially at the beginning when we were transitioning to less “little” lies and more straightforward answers.  Shutting things down with a semi-plausible excuse was simple and efficient; saying no and sticking to it regardless of the little people’s reactions took more fortitude, but it was necessary in the long run.

So many of the parenting philosophies I believed in my younger days have been challenged over the years.  Some held true, but some have morphed into a reality that works for our family. 100% brutal honesty?  That had to be placed on the back burner for a while.

I think we all ended up saner for it in the long run.