Have you been to an amusement park lately?  I can’t pinpoint exactly when the parks were compelled to post warning signs on everything from the gentlest carousel to the centrifugal force roller coaster, but they all have them now.  Hell, even the toddler trains that safely choo choo in a circle have signs warning against the dangers of putting hands or feet outside the ride.

I mock, but Mission:SPACE at Epcot taught me that with certain rides you’re really rolling the dice when you diss the warning signs.  Roller coasters are a prime example of this.  I mean, if you’re going to be hurtling across the track at 98 mph then some advance notice seems appropriate.  The same goes for any ride that will suspend you upside down, create a sensation of weightlessness, or drop you in a free fall from 400 feet.  All important information to have before strapping yourself in for the experience.

But where are all the everyday warning signs we truly need?

Warning: Good Neighborhood for Trick or Treating

Being branded the “good neighborhood” sounds awesome…I mean, who doesn’t like being liked?  But let me break it down for you.  This means one or more houses hand out full size candy bars and at least one guy makes it his mission to scare the sh*t out of every kid that night.  This results in massive amounts of traffic as kids stream in for the evening, several panic attacks when you’re certain you lost your kid among the throngs, and at least a 20% meltdown rate (90% for preschoolers) at the scary house.

Warning: Hipster Café, Children Not Welcome

Listen, I get it.  Sometimes grown ups just want a quiet place to get away for a while, but help a sister out and post a sign!  There are few things quite as awkward as wrestling your kids into an establishment, through a line, and to a table only to look up into disapproving eyes.  You already ordered so you can’t leave, which means you’re in for an hour of feeling about as welcome as the ice cream truck at a weight loss camp.

Warning: Do Not Download

Let’s face it…there are certain apps that will decimate your life.  Games that suck you in and kill off brain cells until you’re a zombie.  Hookup apps that at best put you at risk for an STD and at worst may introduce you to the latest serial killer.  Just save yourself the grief and strip down your device.

Warning: Darwin Theory Applies

Hot means hot, so if you spill that venti Caramel Macchiato, skinny, extra hot in your lap and start screaming about skin grafts, well…let’s just say you won’t be trampled by the good Samaritans who work here.  They believe in outstanding customer service, giving the client what they want, and survival of the fittest.  Same thing applies to people who let their kids use the knives.

Warning: Amazon Prime is the Devil

What do you get when you combine decent prices, free shipping, an extraordinary array of inventory, and the ease of shopping from your couch?  The human version of catnip.  Let’s say you need new cooking utensils for your nonstick pans.  Who wants to get in the car, fight traffic, and deal with whatever version of humanity is camped out in Walmart that day just to buy some freaking spoons?  Not me.  Amazon convenience is awesome, but it also means you have to stay on your toes to avoid dropping a dozen things in your cart.

Warning: Kids Starting School? Buy Stock in Mead.

The shock of transitioning from student to parent is severe.  You will stand in Office Depot wondering when notebook paper became so expensive.  Why your kid needs twelve glue sticks.  How to find six different colored two-pocket folders without prongs when they only come in five colors.  And it goes on for years.  At least if you buy stock then you’ll get the dividends.

Have you got any warning signs you’d like to see?