1.  Welcome to May!!!!!

2.  Add some fireworks plus a strobe effect and you’ll get how I’m feeling about this particular month.

3.  As someone who has zero interest in boxing you’ll have to take this next bit with a grain of salt.

4.  May feels like a one-two punch on repeat.

5.  Congratulations to our seniors!

6.  Come watch them do a ceremony with the itty bitty kids — so sweet!

7.  Oh, and your senior needs to wear a dress.

8.  A dress within dress code that will also allow her to crouch down with a small child without creating a vaguely inappropriate photo for parent of said itty bitty kid.

9.  My brain hurts.

10.  But go! Have the senior moment!

11.  No, not the old-people one, the my-kid-is-graduating-in-less-than-a-month one.

12.  And bring tissues just in case you get a little soggy.

13.  Congrats on being almost through your classes!

14.  But remember, that AP exam is just around the corner.

15.  Plus college exams for those dual enrollment classes.

16.  So yeah, we know emotionally your kid is a hundred paces past the finish line but do what you can to help them buckle in and finish strong.

17.  We know you’re a hundred paces past it all too but you’re an adult so suck it up.

18.  We’re so close to finishing so make sure you enjoy every moment.

19.  But don’t forget teacher appreciation week.

20.  Or now that you’ve remembered teacher appreciation week try to get it together enough to show some sort of appropriate appreciation for the humans who are also walking these final months with seniors who are So Done With It All.

21.  Oh look, we’re in a countdown to the senior class photo!

22.  So special. So precious. Memories to last a lifetime.

23.  Your senior needs to wear a dress for that one too.

24.  Not just any dress, though, it needs to be her graduation dress.

25.  The graduation dress that must be white — but white white, not winter white or ice white or ecru or white dove or vanilla or eggshell or any of the thousand other names for white that apparently do not mean the actual shade of white we need for this dress.

26.  Surprising no one, the dress must also meet — say it with me — dress code.

27.  Let us recite the Dress Code Litany.

28.  Hemlines must reach below the fingertips. Considering those girls cross an elevated stage for graduation I’d appreciate all the parents giving this one special attention.

29.  I know a little too much about some of the past graduates, that’s all I’m saying.

30.  Straps must be at least three inches wide. No strapless dresses, no halters, no off the shoulder, no spaghetti straps. Three inches wide, or sleeves. Sleeves are acceptable too.

31.  So we’ve got length and strap width and for this particular occasion, color.

32.  Which brings us to the four Bs. All my mom friends can recite these at the drop of a hat: boobs, belly, back, butt.

33.  Does your dress show any of these? Then that’s a big fat NOPE.

34.  You’ll notice dress code avoids addressing any sort of nuance here.

35.  Ask a dance coach, a PTA member, a Girl Scout, and that teen selling concessions at the movie theater and you’ll get four answers for what showing boob means. Same for the rest of the Bs.

36.  Y’all, we’ve been dress shopping for six weeks now. SIX. WEEKS.

37.  It’s time for intervention. Light a candle, say a prayer, dance under the full moon in our name as we search for what is apparently a unicorn of a dress.

38.  It’s a soul sucking search for two girls who are t-i-r-e-d.

39.  While simultaneously throwing metaphorical confetti because MAY! GRADUATION! ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGSSS!

40.  Let’s hear it for May 2024, people. Let the good times roll.