lessons from a relocated Floridian

As someone who spent approximately 424 days eking out an existence in Massachusetts, this post Cracked Me Up.  Seriously, man, it is da bomb diggety.  And an invaluably informative piece for anyone considering relocation.

“I’ve recently moved out of Florida, a state I had lived in my entire life, and am sitting on the precipice of my very first winter that won’t involve sweat.  I don’t think it’s going to go well.  I am woefully unprepared for this shock to my system…So, I feel it’s my obligation as a Floridian to prepare any of my fellow Sunshine Staters should they be packing up and heading this way.  There are things I must tell you.

●  First of all, if you’re thinking about moving north or are in the process, ABORT MISSION.  You are absolutely, without a doubt, definitely going to die.  I’m not even exaggerating.  Okay, there may be some slight embellishment there, but no there isn’t, you are going to die.  It’s cold up north.  Have you heard about this?  There are other states where the average daily temperature isn’t hot as balls!  I’m serious!”

A South Floridian’s Guide To Moving North: I’m Sick and So Are You

when did the School of Hard Knocks become first prize?

The straight up skinny on spoiling children versus breaking the poverty cycle.

“Growing up, my mother used to frequently say, “Money is the source of all evil.”

Not only was money evil but it was a personality killer, a relationship ruiner, and a poison to all things good and decent and fluffy in the world. Because of this, there was quite a shortage of things in my house: running water, reliable electricity, food…”

The Pride of Poverty and Spoiling Your Kids – Damn, Girl. Get Your Shit Together.

nobody tells you to buy stock in wet wipes

From a father in the trenches: 26 things he would have liked to know before becoming a parent.  Pass them along.  Add your own.  The grown ups have to stick together.

1. Putting children to bed two hours late means getting up two hours earlier the next day.

2. 90% of parenting is arguing over pants, basic hygiene, and how toast is cut.

3. The fact that shoes come in pairs means that God hates parents.”

26 No Bullsh*t Realities Of Parenting – Scary Mommy

fastened pants: The Final Frontier

Because let’s face it…we all had an extra helping (or two) of those potatoes.

“Wearing jeans for the first time after Thanksgiving is an important milestone.  When you wear denim again, you’re staking your claim as a fastened pants person.  After the third day of eating stuffing leftovers and wearing the elastic band of denial, I knew I was it was time to take action.

The thought of pulling and zipping may seem overwhelming when the heaviest thing you’ve lifted lately is a heaping spoonful of mashed potatoes, but you can do this.  It isn’t easy leaving leggings, athleisure, and sweatpants behind, but if I was able to survive eight hours in my most forgiving pair of four-way stretch jeans, you can do it, too.”

I Wore Jeans for the First Time Since Thanksgiving and Lived to Tell the Tale – Sass & Balderdash

sorry, Baywatch auditions were last month

You’ll love this if you’ve ever had a weird, skulky, stalkerish lifeguard experience.

Hell, you’ll love it even if you haven’t.

“AN OPEN LETTER TO THE HOTEL POOL LIFEGUARD IN MONTREAL WHO SUFFERED FROM THE DELUSION THAT SHE WAS ON BAYWATCH WHILE I WAS THERE SWIMMING WITH MY KIDS AND NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG AND IN NO DANGER OF ANY KIND:”

Post #135: An Open Letter | the almost right words

when the extra cheesy and really lame plan works

When the universe shoves you off a cliff, all you can do is land on your feet.

“What if no one reads my blog?  What if someone leaves me a really mean comment?  What if I’m criticized?  What if my ideas are only interesting to me?  What if this blog is a mistake?  What if I just go to sleep, instead?

Four years ago today, those were just a few of the questions that shook every bone in my body as I sat in my bedroom with the lights off, in the wee hours of the morning, and started this blog.”

Reflecting on Four Years of Blogging | The Captain’s Speech

Life before DVRs? Shocking, I know.

Yes, it’s another post about what kid life was like “back in the day.”  But it’s pretty damn funny.  Go have a laugh.

When I was a kid…

6. Everyone watched TV at 7:00

And we all watched the same TV shows at the same time, so we would sit at the lunch table the next day and talk about last night’s 90210 and how Brenda and Dylan broke up and no one at the table would yell, “NOOOOOOO, don’t tell me, I haven’t watched it yet!!!!”

When I was a kid – Baby Sideburns

fathers, daughters, and the reality of crushing

We’re getting awfully close to a time when we’ll need our own Guide for dating Princess.  Thankfully, Ah dad has gotten the ball rolling already.

“It’s like giving birth for fathers.  A cold blade piercing your soul.  And it’s not that she doesn’t look at you in the same way, it’s just that you have an icy reminder that one of these years you will have to give her away to another man…

Low and behold, the inevitable is happening.  My contractions have begun.  Princess has a crush.  She claims friendship but I’ve never look at any of my friends the same way she looks at him. So just to be on the safe side, I felt it important to edit and publish my Guide for dating Princess. I trust he would be reading this…”

She’s crushing! Noooooo!!! | Ah dad…